New Year's Eve

Sitting in my tiny bathroom, adrenaline coarsing through my veins. CPTSD wrecking my body.

It's not (yet) as bad as last year, but it isn't midnight yet and I have two terrified cats to take care of as well. 

Explosions outside, trembling walls and windows, with added thundering sounds from some neighbor having a 'party'.

You won't get anything useful from me these days, that's why I haven't been writing. It's all the same. Now it's just life happening, stress coming up, doing things, not doing things, worrying, stressing, et cetera. 

This will go on and on and on and on and on. Until all the stress and trauma is out of my body. Maybe I'll die first, who knows. 

So

Debilitating, overwhelming, continuous panic and terror. No breaks. It's not letting up anymore. This will go on until I break.

This is not good for a body (my mouth full of sores agrees). Just saw that my last post said exactly the same so this has been non-stop for at least a month. Something will have to give. It's so frightening. Terrifying.

July

Continuously overwhelmed, overstimulated, sensory overload, worried sick. No breaks. 

My mother had the best time of her life on holiday to Crete and now has LongCovid. Sister and brother-in-law had Covid (twice) and bro told me at some point you have to live (yawn). 

First visit they crushed me, stabbed me in the back. Won't elaborate now (writing this half asleep) but I was broken for days. Second visit went better, also because they didn't need to sleep over this time.

I have an actual floor in my living room now. And in the hall and tiny bedroom. 

I only say this because everything is getting gutted and turned upside down. "As it is above" and so on. 

I am living in chaos but slowly organizing things, finding a place for them (or throwing them away). This translates to continuous fear, terror, panic. 

Even my lingering fear of dogs has worsened so now I am at home all the time because Dutch people are selfish assholes and don't put their dogs on a leash and/or can't control them. No walks. 

I'm even scared to put the bins on the street because of a new guy who walks around with his dog here. Saw the dog trotting past my backyard by itself and almost froze in fear that it would come in through an opening in the hedge. 

All fears, dormant or not, are exaggerated, stronger. 

Usually fearing for my mother's life (like when she's so tired and dizzy that she dozes off in the middle of a show we're watching 'together' and I immediately assume she's not going to wake up) and the cats' (one of them has been vomiting for days so he's basically half dead in my mind), sometimes panicking about my own health. 

I don't know how my body can take all this continuous stress.

May

Weird to read Jed's emails. They seem written by a human. (Just discovered them at another mail address.)

But if I've learned anything lately it's that life needs to be processed out of the body. Especially the trauma stuff, mind, body or otherwise. 

It's a bitch. The stress going through my bowels is killing me, hopefully not literally. Everything hurts in the whole area. It's gotten very bad. 

Trying to process it out via EFT tapping, but also have some emergency muscle relaxants now.

My memory is shit, my IQ seems down by at least 20 points, there are weird things happening that I don't even want to describe because they scare me shitless..

I don't know what the fuck is going on. 

I don't know. This process sucks. It's terrible awful no good bullshit. After so much shit, now this and still shit. More shit to look forward to?

I don't know. I don't see it anymore. There's no glimpses lately just a sluggish dragging on and seemingly moving without going anywhere.

Jed, please write a book. Reading online is bad for my eyes. It's not a pleasant way to read. The screen hurts. Please, for me and others who read from paper.

Maybe this was meant for a book, Jed. The bones you can hang the story on. 

April, fool

Dreams again.

In the back of a bus that is hurtling toward a fire at the end of the street, everything will burn up. I am standing and holding onto something for balance and watch the flames roaring into the night. No feelings as far as I can tell.

Last night: sat in a crowded train next to endless rows of people's luggage. Suddenly someone tells me we are at the final destination and I run around trying to find my luggage before the train stops. All the bags look alike, I can't find my stuff.

I'm panicking, but at the same time there's a small thought in the back of my head that what was in my bags wasn't that important and I can be without it. But, there is also something in there that I want to keep because it's meaningful to me.

It's too late anyway because we are at the destination and some awful woman at a booth tells me to get an interpreter if I want my luggage back and it all seems rather impossible and a drag. Makes me feel a bit hopeless and lost.

Only mentioning these dreams because they seem so ridiculously obvious in meaning.

---

A moment of clarity where I saw myself grasping for fear as a solution whenever something bothers me or isn't 'right'. Fear is my blanky. Fear and worry is my go-to move - god knows why, because it isn't a solution, it's a habit. Anyway, I can't write it down as clear as it was - clear as a bell - and it reverberated throughout my whole being. 

How has being afraid and sick with worry ever helped me or others? It feels busy, like doing something, but even if it was, it isn't doing anything productive. It doesn't move the situation to a place where things get resolved. 

"God knows best" Mooji said just before this happened, and that's something that hasn't found solid ground within me yet. But it's the opposite way of approaching life.

I bet my blanky was in that luggage.

---

Note to self: it takes as long as it takes. Might as well have this tattooed on my hand as I keep forgetting about divine timing. It takes as long as it takes. God knows best. Don't beat yourself up over it (second tattoo).

Wait a minute

The Universe is either taunting me or literally telling me to follow my dreams. There were two specific words in my dream; a person's name, I assumed, albeit a strange one. Googled the combination and a house for sale turns up. Near a lake and marina, on an island. Currently used as an artist's studio. Perfection, everything I ever dreamed of (literally lol). Soooo thanks? Or stop taunting me, Universe?

---

I am letting it happen. 

It is happening.

---

Do dreams still happen when Truth realization has occurred? So much going on in my dreams, stuff that gets worked out of the system, which isn't necessary anymore when there's no-one there to accumulate. Just idly wondering how that works. Musing.

FTS

Still waiting on that elation to drop, Jed!

False advertising, buddy!

Nope, nooo elation. None of that. Just sores and horror. Fun fun fun!

*no I'm not waiting