July

Continuously overwhelmed, overstimulated, sensory overload, worried sick. No breaks. 

My mother had the best time of her life on holiday to Crete and now has LongCovid. Sister and brother-in-law had Covid (twice) and bro told me at some point you have to live (yawn). 

First visit they crushed me, stabbed me in the back. Won't elaborate now (writing this half asleep) but I was broken for days. Second visit went better, also because they didn't need to sleep over this time.

I have an actual floor in my living room now. And in the hall and tiny bedroom. 

I only say this because everything is getting gutted and turned upside down. "As it is above" and so on. 

I am living in chaos but slowly organizing things, finding a place for them (or throwing them away). This translates to continuous fear, terror, panic. 

Even my lingering fear of dogs has worsened so now I am at home all the time because Dutch people are selfish assholes and don't put their dogs on a leash and/or can't control them. No walks. 

I'm even scared to put the bins on the street because of a new guy who walks around with his dog here. Saw the dog trotting past my backyard by itself and almost froze in fear that it would come in through an opening in the hedge. 

All fears, dormant or not, are exaggerated, stronger. 

Usually fearing for my mother's life (like when she's so tired and dizzy that she dozes off in the middle of a show we're watching 'together' and I immediately assume she's not going to wake up) and the cats' (one of them has been vomiting for days so he's basically half dead in my mind), sometimes panicking about my own health. 

I don't know how my body can take all this continuous stress.