Inspiration
I was so enthousiastic and now I don't have any inspiration.. Maybe because this is something new and unusual to me, so I have to kick myself in the rear to get into gear. Spoken like a true poet.
Yesterday I realised that spiritual autolysis isn't something totally unfamiliar to me. I realised that's exactly what I've been doing since I was eighteen years old.
At the time I was living in a small community of vegans (and dearly missing my steak), and that was the first time that people asked me what I wanted. What were my likes and dislikes, what did I want, what didn't I want.. I didn't know what to say, I had no idea. Uptill then I had always asked myself the other question: what did people want from me, how could I make them like me, how could I prevent them from rejecting me. What I wanted was not relevant. I was many people, adjusting myself to the person I was with, which made it very hard to be in the company of several people at the same time.
One of the vegans got tired of my vagueness about the subject and cornered me again and again till I was breaking out in sweat. But it made me think, I enthusiastically disliked the woman but she made me think, maybe even for the first time in my life, about what I wanted. Who was I really?
I was nobody, I had given myself away to other people by adjusting to them, never once stopping to think that maybe I could be a person too. I sat down and asked myself what I wanted and I just didn't know. I found out I had no personality and decided to create my own. I would choose who I wanted to be. It was an exciting time.
Over the years I found out more about myself through discovering what I didn't want and how I didn't want to be. I would check myself: this behavior, is this who I want to be? No? Then I'll change it, and so I started to grow myself a personality!
Later I recognised that to be able to discard one's ego one must first have an ego, and a strong and healthy one, or there is nothing to get rid of.
I found out a lot, I saw a lot of crap from the past was holding me down, molding me continuously, dictating my behavior, feeding me fear. So this is what I worked on until, well, recently.
A few days ago I suddenly realised that I was over it. All the things that happened (and there's not much I haven't seen), no matter how bad and awful et cetera, it didn't matter anymore. It was done. Ofcourse I was well aware of the fact that when on this path, two steps forward means one step back. If there is a big change, it has to be incorporated. That's what's happening now, and I'm helping the process by writing about it.
Nice little extra was that I didn't feel fear for dying anymore. It left a blank space inside of me and I'm curious to see what will come to fill it. It feels a little empty though, one can get accustomed to fear apparently, maybe even miss it a little when it's gone.
Enough for now, I'm starving, I'm gonna whip up a bowl of oatmeal.***
PS Inspiration came I guess! Happens often, you just start to write and suddenly the words flow fluently.
Yesterday I realised that spiritual autolysis isn't something totally unfamiliar to me. I realised that's exactly what I've been doing since I was eighteen years old.
At the time I was living in a small community of vegans (and dearly missing my steak), and that was the first time that people asked me what I wanted. What were my likes and dislikes, what did I want, what didn't I want.. I didn't know what to say, I had no idea. Uptill then I had always asked myself the other question: what did people want from me, how could I make them like me, how could I prevent them from rejecting me. What I wanted was not relevant. I was many people, adjusting myself to the person I was with, which made it very hard to be in the company of several people at the same time.
One of the vegans got tired of my vagueness about the subject and cornered me again and again till I was breaking out in sweat. But it made me think, I enthusiastically disliked the woman but she made me think, maybe even for the first time in my life, about what I wanted. Who was I really?
I was nobody, I had given myself away to other people by adjusting to them, never once stopping to think that maybe I could be a person too. I sat down and asked myself what I wanted and I just didn't know. I found out I had no personality and decided to create my own. I would choose who I wanted to be. It was an exciting time.
Over the years I found out more about myself through discovering what I didn't want and how I didn't want to be. I would check myself: this behavior, is this who I want to be? No? Then I'll change it, and so I started to grow myself a personality!
Later I recognised that to be able to discard one's ego one must first have an ego, and a strong and healthy one, or there is nothing to get rid of.
I found out a lot, I saw a lot of crap from the past was holding me down, molding me continuously, dictating my behavior, feeding me fear. So this is what I worked on until, well, recently.
A few days ago I suddenly realised that I was over it. All the things that happened (and there's not much I haven't seen), no matter how bad and awful et cetera, it didn't matter anymore. It was done. Ofcourse I was well aware of the fact that when on this path, two steps forward means one step back. If there is a big change, it has to be incorporated. That's what's happening now, and I'm helping the process by writing about it.
Nice little extra was that I didn't feel fear for dying anymore. It left a blank space inside of me and I'm curious to see what will come to fill it. It feels a little empty though, one can get accustomed to fear apparently, maybe even miss it a little when it's gone.
Enough for now, I'm starving, I'm gonna whip up a bowl of oatmeal.***
PS Inspiration came I guess! Happens often, you just start to write and suddenly the words flow fluently.
posted by M. at 9:25 PM
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