Plight of the Living dead

Well, I was gonna write something about the baby, but the medical terms are too exhausting to figure out. My english is not that good. Anyway, something's wrong with him and he's still at the Medical Center where he was transferred the day after his birth. So I still haven't seen him.. my sister leaves the hospital tomorrow which means the little guy will be there all by himself, my heart breaks just thinking about it. And the surgery he will have to go through, the possible outcome of the medical examinations.. God, life just keeps getting crappier.
My life has been reduced to vegetating, going through the motions. I skip watching the Bold & the Beautiful in the evening so I have a reason to get up the next day, namely the rerun at noon. Pathetic, simply pathetic. I feel numb inside, except of course for the worrying about my nephew and the never ending anxiety at karate which makes my eyes water more often than I care to think about.
Tomorrow I have to spill the whole story again, my back's never ending story. It's the doctor's appointment. Tuesday I have an appointment with a rheumatologist. I expect nothing of it, absolutely nothing. I don't know what to say actually, don't know if there is anything left to say. Like I said, I'm just going through the motions.
I honestly can't remember one day in my life when I wasn't nervous, scared, bored, sad, depressed, or crying my eyes out. Some of the rotten things that happened to me make for some great anecdotes, sure, but please... I'm so so tired. I just.. it seems like I've given up, I've given up hope. There's nothing to look forward to anymore and I'm waiting it out. Like a zombie. Isn't that some Special Destiny. Stop trying to survive, stop trying to make something of my life, it's a mistake which can't be corrected. All that's left now is to wait for death coming to take me away from this shithole.