Tear-my-hair-out-slow

Tired, frustrated. Talk with the psychologist lady today. It was confusing, to talk about the way I see things, cos there's two ways.
I am tired, frustrated and sad, bordering on depressed because everything seems to be taking forever. I've been working my ass off for more than half my life, ever since I made the decision to attain enlightenment, or whatever I was going for at the time. To get some peace and quiet this was my only option, so I went to work. I can't believe I went through so much shit and this is where I still am.
No job, no partner, no kids, a non-existent future apart from the imaginary one in my mind, and well, my heart, but that doesn't count for cold, hard facts.
The other way I see things, is a whole other way. The progress is tear-my-hair-out-slow, but it's there and it spreads out into all the different levels of my life, VERY slowly, but thoroughly. Things ARE going the right way, the way I want them to go, the way they must go, in accordance with the universe and all that crap. It is happening, just not at a pace at which closing and opening my eyes for a sec would mean I totally missed something happening. I'm the turtle, I'm a genetic experiment, a mix of snail and turtle genes all mixed into one slimy, slow animal with a heavy dislike for salt and a lot of carry on bagage.
I tried to tell her this. What adds to my frustration is I can't even be properly frustrated, or heartwrenchingly sad, cos there comes my observing side, telling me that there is trust, giving me the overview, showing me the upward curve in the graphics (?), showing me the differences in my behaviour, telling me not to compare myself to others. I see people chase their dreams and accomplish everything they ever wanted, I see people who had it tough for a while, then have amazing things happen to them. It fills my heart with joy, and most of the time makes me cry happy tears. And sometimes the tears are sad and tired, like the tears of an old woman who has been through an awful lot and wonders if maybe she might not be able to appreciate the fruit of her labour when it's finally there because it took so damn long there's not much energy left to enjoy it.
Am I that dumb? Am I that slow? Am I not doing it right? What makes me take so long, where others take a couple of years? Is this miserable life ever going to end and give way to something great?
Then I told her that one of the most useful insights I have ever had, is realising I must not compare myself to others, but to myself. Only compare yourself to yourself; THEN you see the differences, THEN you're able to see the progress you're making. I have it so bad, boohoo, there's people worse off, there will always be people who are better off and worse off, so stop comparing and focus that energy on yourself. Don't waste it. The road needs energy, the Way needs it.
So anyway, I can't even wallow properly, without giving myself a peptalk about how it's all part of the process and this is part of it too; the rubble and clean up after a change, the crap that's left on the harddisk after a computer program is removed. Defragmentation is necessary and that's the best I can do where comparisons are concerned.
Melancholy, sadness. Talking to her helped though, because we got to talking about my dream, the book (don't want to talk to her about enlightenment, it's not an opinion thing, I don't care about people's opinions on every little thing in my life, but this is mine and not debatable or open for discussion). It got my juices flowing a bit.
And then I slumped in my chair again, cos nothing had changed and sometimes you just have to go with the flow, which is not an empty frase that only applies to nice things happening, but also to grief and sorrow and periods of depression.
I should know, I tried to fight it many times and found that, yes, at times you have to go with it to go through it faster. Be sad, be disappointed, grieve for all your losses, and stuff your face if you must. Don't waste energy on fighting parts of the process merely because they are less appealing.
The glorious struggle and the victory are NOT the biggest part of the way, not of my way anyway. The pain, grief, sweaty shitty struggle, frustration and suicidal discontent are a far bigger part of the Way to victory. You want to know what the 'best' part is? When the day of your victory arrives, that's the day you couldn't care less about victory or defeat. Sad, sad story, isn't it.
Still, worth the trouble in my opinion. At least, that's my opinion most of the time. Sometimes I'm just really really angry at all the shit I have to go through for just that tiny bit of progress, and yes I do feel stupid at times because it's taking me so damn long. Angry, frustrated and the 'why me', I'm familiar with it. It sucks.