Notes

"Nothing will be left to hide behind. I will be open and visible for all to see who can see. There is a strength emerging. A strength heretofore hidden by rubble that is now in the process of being burned away. My shame is nearly gone, my guilt is turning into a cinder. My being is clear, brought forth by the falling away of everything false. A skeleton of mere being. No more flesh of guilt, shame and fear to hide behind. A bare and barren land, swept clean by the fiercest of gales and sandstorms. Who is this? What is left of me? Is there still a me? Emptiness. God. This is an instrument."

Needless to say, this lasted for about two minutes. Nevertheless, it was there, it was new. One of those glimpses into future ways of being. Scary though, very empty, devoid of any emotions whatsoever. Not altogether pleasant (yet?).

"Was not God omnipotent? Why couldn't he perform a miracle and by touching men's hearts make them blossom? Look how each year at the Passover bare stems, meadows and thorns opened up at his touch. If only one day men could awake to find their deepest selves in bloom!"
"The Last Temptation of Christ" - Nikos Kazantzakis

"Just don't see the point. Puppets on your strings, doing what you want us to do, and what we ourselves planned before we were born. It's all set in stone, isn't it? So what's the point? No surprises, nothing new, all is known, to you, to us on some level. Why are we doing this? What's the point of this whole charade? To experience how we are all-one, all love, we are all together blah blah Beatles-song? Don't see the point. Seems like a big letdown to me, a drag really. Not very inspired either. Here's a bucket of piss, so after you've drunk that you'll be able to appreciate all the subtleties of the lukewarm ditchwater you usually get."

"Without man, God would have no mind on this earth to reflect upon his creatures intelligibly and to examine, fearfully yet impudently, his wise omnipotence. He would have on this earth no heart to pity the concerns of others and to struggle to beget virtues and cares which God either did not want, or forgot, or was afraid to fashion. He breathed upon man, however, giving him the power and audacity to continue creation."
"The Last Temptation of Christ" - Nikos Kazantzakis

Wish

If I could wish for anything, anything at all.

I wish I could go to a tiny Greek island, with a sandy beach between the rocks, where the only people would be gay monks living in a monastery, with a small guesthouse at the far end of the tiny island, on the rocks, lashed by stormwinds, but warm of course, where I would be staying for three months, writing, walking, thinking, being. The sea calms me.

...

Crying my eyes out. My best friend is moving away. Haven't seen the other one for almost a year. Less and less contact with my ex. I'm turning into a real hermit. My father is coming over for a visit. Something I'm not sure I want. I'd rather he came to my birthday. There's nothing to do here anyway. We'd be sitting on the couch, trying to talk about stupid things. A Visit. Don't like those. Never have those if I can help it. First time he comes to visit me in five years. Maybe becos his dad died. Maybe he'll find some new and exciting ways to tell me how disappointing I am and have been to him. Not looking forward to it. Not dreading it as much as I could have I guess. When he's gone, I'll be alone for a couple of days, cry, get it out of my system and I'll be okay again. What else can he say to me that will hurt more than what I already know? Right, never ask things like that. But really. I have adapted to not having a father. Not completely or else I wouldn't be writing about it, but I have. The universe is my father. I am my parent. Maybe there's guardian angels or whatever and I can see them as a father figure.
My friend will be far away. She thought she had told me. That's how long we hadn't seen eachother. Why do I feel so awful? She's not leaving the country. She is moving in with her boyfriend though, which changes things, like the other friend moving in with his girl and having a baby. Have seen him a few times over the last couple of years.
Am I to go on completely alone?
I keep asking the same questions over and over again. How long is this miserable shit part of my life still going to take? Will it ever end? Is there ever going to be a turn for the better? Will I always be so alone? Not able to be with people? Be a miserable, filthy hermit? Is this real, and my 'quest' and dreams of purpose and destiny just that? Dreams?
So often I felt like writing and I didn't. So often I screamed at God. Cussed at him. Damn him. How he messes with me. Still gets me to do what he wants and makes it so that what he wants becomes what I want too. How fucked up is that. Puppetstrings. I even came to terms with possibly not finding a great guy, not having kids, not having a loving home. I never had it, and might never have it. Becos this might be my purpose. I have a destiny. Or so I thought, believed, cos of all the signs. The big fucker sent me signs, messed me up bad and made me think it was all for a good reason. I have an important part to play on the world stage. I had to go through every possible human emotion and behaviour in order to be able to understand everybody, everyone, everything avbout the ego and its tentacles and poison.
What the fuck? Was that an illusion? The meaning behind it, I mean? Why else would I go through all that shit? I know so much about pain in all different shapes and sizes. Was that for pain's sake itself? What the FUCK. What the fuck are you doing to me? I have gone through everything. I decided to follow my heart, listen to the voice of my heart, my intuition, god, the universe, you. Whatever the hell you are and that is. I always do my best to do the right thing. Because I want to. I chose to do that, that's the direction in which I grew, developed. Because I chose to do so. And because it felt like that was my way. And because it felt like that was what you wanted of me. All of that is the same reason. Listening to your heart will do that. Your want and my want become one and the same. Is my want suffering? Is suffering my purpose? I can't imagine that. How can that be the meaning of my miserable shitty life? I only endured because it would lead to something better, lighter, something beautiful. I want to make beautiful things. I want to make beautiful drawings (I used to), I want to write my book so the endless pain and loneliness make some sense in the end.
I almost killed myself last week. Not really of course. I'm sure that, had I gone through with it, at the last moment I would have changed my mind. When it comes down to it and I am in a life death situation I will do anything, everything it takes to get out alive. I'm not done. But I came so close it scared me. For about ten minutes I was struggling hard against the temptation to sit down in the snow, recline against one of the snow covered hills and look up at the stars. And just stay that way until somebody found me, frozen to death. But sitting up. I hate the cold, but as I understand it, it feels like falling asleep. Not a bad death. I don't see myself being struck by lightning any time soon. God, the loneliness. My friend. She's my light. Loss.

Reading "The Last Temptation of Christ", by Nikos Kazantzakis. Great writer.

"The stronger the soul and the flesh, the more fruitful the struggle and the richer the final harmony."

"Man cannot sprout wings unless he has first reached the brink of the abyss."

I don't think I have anything else to lose. My life is empty as it is. And maybe that's how I like it. Relationships are burdens on the heart. I feel their pain. I fear for them. Not so with my friend. She was born to be happy, unlike my family. God I am so alone.