Somewhat unrelated to Search, or not

I am sick of my country right now. Not because of J. van der S. but because of the election results. Yes, it will probably be very helpful in how I won't identify with 'my Holland' anymore.
Feel sick, depressed, awful, scared. Stayed up til 4 a.m. yesterday for the final results and sat crying, watching the tv in growing despair and disbelief. These people hate moslims, lefties, intellectuals, artists, people on welfare, disabled folks, and coloured people, I can go on for a while. I'm in at least three of those categories. What's happening here is so much like what happened in Germany, they say the comparison is too easy. Does that make it invalid?
God, I sure hope all this is NOT real. What a fucking nightmare (and 'coincidentally' all that crap is happening at the same time as an ever deepening depression sucking me down in a seemingly bottomless tar pit). I hate life. So much. Playground? You must be fucking kidding.

Sing me a song, make me disappear

Tired. What can I say. Bored, annoyed, tired. Life seems to have this perpetual phoniness about it, yet I haven't broken through that snow globe-like barrier. It seems fake, it doesn't seem worth the while, yet I keep breathing, walking around, worrying about forms in the mail and minor, irrelevant things like that. Why be terrified? So let me become homeless again, what would be the difference? It would still be fake, but at least it would feel more real, in the moment.

Not in the mood to write either. Visited my family. Took my father five hours before out of the blue he started bashing my character.
It took five hours cos that's what it took before we were alone. With others around he keeps his poison to himself.
Was hurt, maybe because it was a full moon and I'm way sensitive on days like that. It went right to my heart. Cried silently when I had the chance to get away from him and sit somewhere. Two days later I was over it. So it still cuts as deep but recovery is much faster. At least some progress. Also gained about ten pounds, but to call that progress... nah.

Tired of gaining weight, tired of the inertia, tired of my house getting messy, dusty, moldy again. Finances seem an even bigger, intimidating mess. The working-through-stuff-periods are taking soooooooo long.
A certain singer I rediscovered worked stuff loose in me. Just by listening to his voice, something inside me crumbled and I couldn't stop crying. His voice seems to make love to my soul, to the eternal bits of me. So I'm listening to him a great deal now. You never know what is going to help you get Further.

Well. Listless, so... I'll write more some other time. Or not. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. Where this so-called life is going. It's ridiculous.