Reap, sow, F.

So haven't left the house in days, been holed up in bed, reading, listening to the radio. Due to neighbour circumstances. I go to sleep in the morning. It's fucked up. This is taking so loooong. How much stress can be stored inside one body? Filthy here, house, me. Dead end street. 'Looking forward' to what might be the coldest winter in a thousand years. Just what was missing to make me not come out of this house ever f-ing again. Except I live alone, so groceries etc. "You reap what you sow". What the F did I sow? Baby-corpses? Remember from Jed's books depression is a wonderful thing. Ah. Jumping with joy here, no really, just not actually moving. I'm in bed. My father is in the country, asked me to come meet him. I can't, don't want to, wouldn't be able to get out of bed early enough to make the trip. Also not in the f-ing mood to get character bashed again for showing up late in the afternoon. Or for living the life of someone on a permanent holiday. Keep dreaming. He makes me feel bad. I don't need any support in feeling bad right now. I have a psychopath neighbour who's taking care of that just fine. And my response of course. Hiding. Part-time job communicating with police and other peeps. Fuck.
Got another letter from foreign police, about the rape. Getting it translated. Not even that interested. It comes down to: case closed. Whatever.
Autolysis is like writing vomit. Purging. Throwing up chunks of all the crap inside. There's a lot of fake shit around, it's incredible (not really). The crap people believe in, it's pretty amazing what they'll tell themselves - and each other cos free speech is now used to insult and hurt minorities - just so they can stay right where they are. Imagine changing! Brrr. Hell no. Just kick out everyone who doesn't resemble the pasty white 'original' Dutch population, then all will be well. Except we'll be one motherfucking ugly boring country. Cuntry actually. Let's change all the circumstances, then we'll be happy.
I should be grateful. My circumstances are f-ing horrible. All the bad shit is coming to the surface. But WTF? It's SO much. Like a protracted flu, only it's taking years no f-ing decades to f-ing clear up. So instead of going for a walk and getting some sun I decided to write. So at least something useful is done.
Can't believe how long this shit is taking.
Every day now, every fucking day, I pray. Which has nothing to do with any of that church shit. I just.. slow everything down and get my heart in awareness. All becomes aware and I consciously (although I'm not sure whether I use the mind to do it) empty out my heart into listening mode. All of me is aware at that moment. Every day.
But you know, I reap what I sow. And apparently I was a baby-killer in a past life, a puppy eater. Maybe even a politician.
Ah. It still helps. Get rid of the vomit. Enema. Clean out the system. Listening to the radio, there's a song on right now that's pretty accurate about my feelings. The lyrics are basically "Fuck you."
Later. M.