hesitant
I'm a bit hesitant. To write here again. Been writing in Dutch for the past two years, on paper. Just started using a computer again. Still in a bit of a fog, an aftermath to a period of changes, as seems to be the norm these days (years).
Suddenly all communication fell away, as if I was paralyzed in that area. My theory is that it was the backlash from seven hellish years and my subconscious/Existence saw it's chance to reboot me in the peaceful atmosphere that my neighbourhood now has become.
At some point I visualized putting down my sword, only when my intuition told me to, and it was more emotional than I had expected. Later on I realised this basically meant I had stopped fighting and this was surrender. Not complete surrender, that soon became clear, but a big step towards it. After a week or so I felt joyous, a joyous expectancy for things to come. Those were the best three days of my life, not in an exuberant way, but quiet, pleased, happy. Pretty simple, and nice. That's a couple of months ago I'd guess.
Now I am slowly re-entering the world of phones, email and contact. But as I said, in the aftermath of changes. I now do the dishes twice a week - instead of four times a year - and the house is organized, most things found their place. I missed a divorce, a wedding, a cremation and a birth.
What became clear during this period of isolation is how strong the attachment to my sister is, and that our bond goes back several lives. There were tears about that, because in the end, this is what I was meant to do/be, and the attachment will release itself when the time has come.
The above was written in change-fog, and in my experience of the past two years, when my mind is clear I don't write, there is no need for it, no desire, nothing.
Sidebar: When I was actively using the internet and twitter and all that stuff, I read one book over the course of two years. Over the past two years I've read more than 140 books. The first one took some getting used to again. Internet kills our attention span, seriously.
So anyway, I'll try not to hit myself over the head for taking so much time with this process. Every person's road is different, and my impatience and anxiety about not being smart or fast enough is more of a roadblock than an incentive. But again: aftermath-fog, no worries. All has become relatively clear and will be clear again soon.
Suddenly all communication fell away, as if I was paralyzed in that area. My theory is that it was the backlash from seven hellish years and my subconscious/Existence saw it's chance to reboot me in the peaceful atmosphere that my neighbourhood now has become.
At some point I visualized putting down my sword, only when my intuition told me to, and it was more emotional than I had expected. Later on I realised this basically meant I had stopped fighting and this was surrender. Not complete surrender, that soon became clear, but a big step towards it. After a week or so I felt joyous, a joyous expectancy for things to come. Those were the best three days of my life, not in an exuberant way, but quiet, pleased, happy. Pretty simple, and nice. That's a couple of months ago I'd guess.
Now I am slowly re-entering the world of phones, email and contact. But as I said, in the aftermath of changes. I now do the dishes twice a week - instead of four times a year - and the house is organized, most things found their place. I missed a divorce, a wedding, a cremation and a birth.
What became clear during this period of isolation is how strong the attachment to my sister is, and that our bond goes back several lives. There were tears about that, because in the end, this is what I was meant to do/be, and the attachment will release itself when the time has come.
The above was written in change-fog, and in my experience of the past two years, when my mind is clear I don't write, there is no need for it, no desire, nothing.
Sidebar: When I was actively using the internet and twitter and all that stuff, I read one book over the course of two years. Over the past two years I've read more than 140 books. The first one took some getting used to again. Internet kills our attention span, seriously.
So anyway, I'll try not to hit myself over the head for taking so much time with this process. Every person's road is different, and my impatience and anxiety about not being smart or fast enough is more of a roadblock than an incentive. But again: aftermath-fog, no worries. All has become relatively clear and will be clear again soon.
posted by M. at 6:00 PM
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