Cats and books and rock 'n roll
It was a very nice surprise to find there was a new Jed McKenna book when I was online again. I ordered it, naturally, and it arrived about one hour before my sister and her new husband came to pick me up.
I am babysitting their cats and plants right now.
There's a storm raging outside, I got Mahalia Jackson singing and a little while ago I read some pages from the book with a cat dangling from my neck, tail in my face. There's a full moon behind the great mass of moving clouds.
This bit of writing has taken me at least fifteen minutes because of the cats meowing to be let in and let out again.
A few years ago I was babysitting the neighbour's cat and plants, and while sitting in her garden during sunset - my favourite time of day - I understood what the ego was. Now, with 'me', first [oh a cat] [[indecisive cat]] there dawns some kind of understanding, an insight if you will, followed by a whole lot of time to process this newly 'discovered'/realised something-or-other.
As it goes, perfectly appropriate books proceeded to fall into my lap and an image came into view, a clearer understanding of how things work, of the grand puzzle that is everything and how all fits perfectly and is exactly as it should be. This led me to lay down my sword and the slow processing of all this will eventually lead to surrender.
The fighting and anger has gone, but something remains, an obstacle. Although I can't name it, work is being done as we speak to 'remove' the obstacle, or, to see that there is no obstacle and everything is exactly as it should be and enlightenment is pointless. It's impossible to write something accurate without some sort of disclaimer at the end.
I saw the same show, on the Discovery Channel me thinks, and it moved something in me too, this "theory of everything". Because I realized that's what I was growing towards.
So this new book, I have no words to describe how perfectly timed and deliciously appropriate it is for me. I am just so grateful. Reading it ever so slowly, not just because of the cats, but because of its importance in my life at this specific point in the process. Digesting it, tasting it, slowly, then moving on to the next few pages. And even the importance is not that heavy, it's just nice, pleasant.
That's right now mind you.
There's a persistent fog in my mind when I'm around people/family and that story keeps on telling itself. Sometimes I notice it being told - "my mother/father treated me like that/this happened then and then/what if this is my future, being alone and un-normal", but as it seems now, the heaviness is gone.
Even when my sister and her new husband (great upgrade by the way, lot less big sister worrying going on) laughed at me because of something she whispered to him, there was no resentment and the hurt if you can call it that lasted for seconds instead of hours and completely vanished. As if things rebooted every single moment.
I can't accurately describe what it's like, what has changed, I can only compare to what was.
Alright, that's it for now.
I am babysitting their cats and plants right now.
There's a storm raging outside, I got Mahalia Jackson singing and a little while ago I read some pages from the book with a cat dangling from my neck, tail in my face. There's a full moon behind the great mass of moving clouds.
This bit of writing has taken me at least fifteen minutes because of the cats meowing to be let in and let out again.
A few years ago I was babysitting the neighbour's cat and plants, and while sitting in her garden during sunset - my favourite time of day - I understood what the ego was. Now, with 'me', first [oh a cat] [[indecisive cat]] there dawns some kind of understanding, an insight if you will, followed by a whole lot of time to process this newly 'discovered'/realised something-or-other.
As it goes, perfectly appropriate books proceeded to fall into my lap and an image came into view, a clearer understanding of how things work, of the grand puzzle that is everything and how all fits perfectly and is exactly as it should be. This led me to lay down my sword and the slow processing of all this will eventually lead to surrender.
The fighting and anger has gone, but something remains, an obstacle. Although I can't name it, work is being done as we speak to 'remove' the obstacle, or, to see that there is no obstacle and everything is exactly as it should be and enlightenment is pointless. It's impossible to write something accurate without some sort of disclaimer at the end.
I saw the same show, on the Discovery Channel me thinks, and it moved something in me too, this "theory of everything". Because I realized that's what I was growing towards.
So this new book, I have no words to describe how perfectly timed and deliciously appropriate it is for me. I am just so grateful. Reading it ever so slowly, not just because of the cats, but because of its importance in my life at this specific point in the process. Digesting it, tasting it, slowly, then moving on to the next few pages. And even the importance is not that heavy, it's just nice, pleasant.
That's right now mind you.
There's a persistent fog in my mind when I'm around people/family and that story keeps on telling itself. Sometimes I notice it being told - "my mother/father treated me like that/this happened then and then/what if this is my future, being alone and un-normal", but as it seems now, the heaviness is gone.
Even when my sister and her new husband (great upgrade by the way, lot less big sister worrying going on) laughed at me because of something she whispered to him, there was no resentment and the hurt if you can call it that lasted for seconds instead of hours and completely vanished. As if things rebooted every single moment.
I can't accurately describe what it's like, what has changed, I can only compare to what was.
Alright, that's it for now.
posted by M. at 11:26 PM
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