robins' rule

Wanted to write, but was incapable of using the laptop.
Was forcing myself again to go into town. So, not going. Feeling bad, in a dull sort of way. Have been eating so much crap too, these past weeks. But that's a symptom, not a cause. Remember this. Watched so much tv and series on dvd it made me nauseous.
Currently going from doubt with a tendency towards self-pity to observing, and back again. Once in a while realising how alone I am. How my sister doesn't need me anymore now that she's married to the love of her life. Which is good, wonderful. But apparently I am the one who can't let go.
I'm staying aware, whatever floats to the surface, I observe.
She doesn't need me to protect her anymore and to be there for her; what I did for her her husband now does and more, naturally. He and I are alike in several ways. She married someone who is like me.
If I let go of that role, who am I?
Alone, mostly. Which this week involves fear and self-pity.
In general there was a certain amount of faith and trust in great experiences and creations 'in the future': everything will be alright, I'll make magnificent things, paint all the time and write The Book I was born to write. The world needs it. I'm doing and being something the world needs.
How long can you keep this up when nothing comes of it? Been unemployed for twelve years now - this run - in a filthy house, in chaos, I stuff myself.. I do the best I can, yes, I give it my all and yet... it goes on and on and whatever I tell myself, it can stay this way or even get worse.
Beautiful hopes and dreams but absolutely useless if nothing comes of it. For example: I've been working on a painting of a tree for months now. The only thing happening is that I keep painting different shapes of branches to discover their true shape. If there is any. What's the point of having a real talent when you can't use it, when you can't create? When you can't use that gift to earn a living.
Am I spiritually constipated again? Do I have to get raped again to break through this obstruction?
Remember. When you REALLY want something, it happens.
How can you make yourself want something when you don't really want it? God.
Don't I want to get out of this shit?
Don't I want to make money with my work, my talents? Why the hell not? I don't want to need some goddamn death or rape or threatening letter from social security to get things going again, I want to be able to do that myself. Get flowing again because I want to, because I'm ready for it.
I want to be ready for it, I want to go further. Further.
Please, please, help me go further.
I try to be real. When self-pity appears I look at it, observe. When it's foggy for an extended period of time, I remind myself to be real and reel myself in, back to what is real. Hard, and when it's foggy I get so removed from real I even forget it's an option. I don't know what to do, what I can do, to go further. So then I listen to my intuition, the little voice, and I'm a bit more real again. And then nothing happens. Nothing to get me further, to the level where I can take care of myself, where I can keep my house clean and organized, where I make money with my work, my Work, that I came here to do. In a little over a month I'm turning 40. This cannot remain in some future forever.
Frustration.
Turn radio on. "One Of Us."

How powerful is the feeling I don't deserve it?
Very. Deep, strong roots. Family. Three out of four make the fourth member clear she is worthless, she doesn't deserve anything, she's a bad person, and difficult. Still the same old story. It's so hard without a counterweight. When your roots, parents and sister believe you're worthless. How can you believe differently?
Is it necessary to replace this belief or can I just drop it? Without something to cling to? Because yes, it's mostly negative beliefs I cling to, like a lot of people I guess.
What is standing in the way of Further, is me. As usual.
I am still trying to prove to myself that I'm worth being kept alive by welfare. If even that is an issue, how the hell can I be worth making a nice living from my wonderful work? How can I create beautiful things when I'm not worth it?
How can I get rid of this retarded belief?
And yes, my mother used the word retarded again when I was there. How do I stop attaching importance to that?
Retarded, black inside, stupid, difficult. Oh right, and let's not forget my mother's boyfriend and my father's girlfriend in that. Everything was my fault. Something I am now turning into:
"I am 100 % responsible for my own life."
Not as a reproach, but as an opportunity, freedom.

At least now we've arrived at the core problem. The belief, installed and self-programmed, that I have no worth. Can't write it in 'I am' format, that's too strong and untrue.
Wait, what? This belief is untrue? More importantly, feels untrue?
I am worthy? Worthy of what? I matter. I am valuable.
Unclear, but a good start. The belief is untrue.
Apparently somewhere I 'know' that. Not consciously though. Not yet, but who knows.

"Stop beating yourself up." The moment I tell myself, the robin appears in the garden. A little bird with massive confidence, it's awesome.
So this is what's standing in the way.
This is keeping me from going further.
I don't know whether pinpointing the cause will undo its effects and/or the belief itself but it merits at least a long hard look.
I don't HAVE to believe it anymore, just because others do or did.
I am not required to believe it. I am free not to believe that.
I don't HAVE to believe it just because others do or did.
Somewhere in there is a spark of freedom.


Later.
It doesn't matter who believes you don't matter, or how many people believe it and make it clear to you that's what they believe.
That's what they believe.
It doesn't matter who or how many believe what.
It only matters what YOU believe. What they believe, matters to them. What you believe, matters to you. What they think or say about you is irrelevant.
What you believe and tell yourself about yourself is important.
Check out the robin.