July notes
Thursday 14th
No full moon, no period.
A day of tension and tears nonetheless.
I don't even know why I am crying. Well, at least both eyes are participating now, instead of just the one.
I wonder whether my false sense of responsibility for others - especially family - is connected to guilt. I've always felt guilty about everything and anything.
Yesterday I sort of decided that's all over for me. No more guilt. Guilt is a waste of time and a brake on any form of progress.
Also I don't have anything to feel guilty about. I was who Existence needed me to be at the time - just like everyone else.
Maybe this is the hangover part of a step forward.
Been kinda sick for a couple of weeks, which is unheard of for me. Some flu-like bedridden days, followed by a death-rattle cough deep within my chest, which lasted for weeks.
I only mention this because it just never happens.
Naturally I feared it would be fatal, like any self-respecting hypochondriac (or man) would.
My sister is also stuck on something, having a hard time letting stuff go, unhealthy, poisonous stuff.
Sometimes there seems to be a parallel between our processes.
She cried in desperation on the phone. Hence, the feeling responsible - she's my little sister and always will be - and from there I was guided to the guilt-matter.
So tense my body hurts, especially neck and shoulders.
Went over to my mother twice (to work on the comic book) with only a few weeks between visits, which might be the reason for the impressive cough; losing myself, dissolving into other people's lives.
Now I'm helping from here, writing and emailing my notes to her on a daily basis. The cough is nearly gone and she calls me a genius, which is refreshing (and probably true).
I can only do the work for one hour straight though, then I get drowsy and my back tightens into a cramp and starts hurting.
Even so, it's nice to be able to use what I've learned over the years, among other things from using Twitter and from volunteering at the radio station.
I don't see how this could turn into some kind of job, but right now I'm just glad to be doing something I'm good at - even though I can only do it for brief periods of time.
Friday 15th
Teeth of anxiety gnawing at my gut. Exaggerated fear of someone close to me dying.
Maybe there's some logic to it, since both my parents are old and wobbly, my Irish ex has given up and is actively drinking himself to death, and my sister is in a very dark place, now experiencing the same kind of prison-like consequences of having massive back problems as I did.
I try not to let on how much it disturbs me when she talks about wanting to 'leave'. Years ago she considered killing herself and her kids and I didn't know what to say then either. What can you say?
I needed to be the one person she was able to say things like that to. Can't let her stew in it.
But our connection is so strong, I can feel and 'see' when she's thinking of quitting the game.
I've begun to gently point her in the direction of herself, of exercising her intuition, of looking for guidance within.
It's up to her.
It would probably be easier for me to let go if she was doing well, but my life doesn't do easy.
I couldn't even promise her life would become easier if she followed her intuition, because doing exactly that has lead me to some very dark places and situations.
Only thing I could tell her is that it brings you closer to yourself and the path you carved out for yourself before this life even started.
All I could say is that despite everything I am now 'calmer' than I've ever been. More even-tempered. Less rubble.
No full moon, no period.
A day of tension and tears nonetheless.
I don't even know why I am crying. Well, at least both eyes are participating now, instead of just the one.
I wonder whether my false sense of responsibility for others - especially family - is connected to guilt. I've always felt guilty about everything and anything.
Yesterday I sort of decided that's all over for me. No more guilt. Guilt is a waste of time and a brake on any form of progress.
Also I don't have anything to feel guilty about. I was who Existence needed me to be at the time - just like everyone else.
Maybe this is the hangover part of a step forward.
Been kinda sick for a couple of weeks, which is unheard of for me. Some flu-like bedridden days, followed by a death-rattle cough deep within my chest, which lasted for weeks.
I only mention this because it just never happens.
Naturally I feared it would be fatal, like any self-respecting hypochondriac (or man) would.
My sister is also stuck on something, having a hard time letting stuff go, unhealthy, poisonous stuff.
Sometimes there seems to be a parallel between our processes.
She cried in desperation on the phone. Hence, the feeling responsible - she's my little sister and always will be - and from there I was guided to the guilt-matter.
So tense my body hurts, especially neck and shoulders.
Went over to my mother twice (to work on the comic book) with only a few weeks between visits, which might be the reason for the impressive cough; losing myself, dissolving into other people's lives.
Now I'm helping from here, writing and emailing my notes to her on a daily basis. The cough is nearly gone and she calls me a genius, which is refreshing (and probably true).
I can only do the work for one hour straight though, then I get drowsy and my back tightens into a cramp and starts hurting.
Even so, it's nice to be able to use what I've learned over the years, among other things from using Twitter and from volunteering at the radio station.
I don't see how this could turn into some kind of job, but right now I'm just glad to be doing something I'm good at - even though I can only do it for brief periods of time.
Friday 15th
Teeth of anxiety gnawing at my gut. Exaggerated fear of someone close to me dying.
Maybe there's some logic to it, since both my parents are old and wobbly, my Irish ex has given up and is actively drinking himself to death, and my sister is in a very dark place, now experiencing the same kind of prison-like consequences of having massive back problems as I did.
I try not to let on how much it disturbs me when she talks about wanting to 'leave'. Years ago she considered killing herself and her kids and I didn't know what to say then either. What can you say?
I needed to be the one person she was able to say things like that to. Can't let her stew in it.
But our connection is so strong, I can feel and 'see' when she's thinking of quitting the game.
I've begun to gently point her in the direction of herself, of exercising her intuition, of looking for guidance within.
It's up to her.
It would probably be easier for me to let go if she was doing well, but my life doesn't do easy.
I couldn't even promise her life would become easier if she followed her intuition, because doing exactly that has lead me to some very dark places and situations.
Only thing I could tell her is that it brings you closer to yourself and the path you carved out for yourself before this life even started.
All I could say is that despite everything I am now 'calmer' than I've ever been. More even-tempered. Less rubble.
posted by M. at 11:40 AM
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