November recap

First day of November I had lunch with my father, after which we spent a few hours in the local museum.
The US election. I pulled an all-nighter and watched the whole thing on CNN. Didn't want to wake up in a nightmare, thought it would somehow be less bad if I knew for sure what the outcome was. Mwoah. The worst possible person for the job. Anyway, I'm cutting back and now only watching one hour of CNN per day.
Returned from a week at my sister's on Sunday. She's still bedridden and now also unemployed.
While I was there our stepmother called. She had to get a colonoscopy, it was looking bad. After the call my sister said what I was thinking: "She says this and I don't feel anything." We both noticed it with surprise.
I still don't feel bad and I don't feel guilty for it. I don't even feel like I'm a bad person for feeling nothing.
Some of the good memories in our lives come from her and my father taking us to Belgium, where she is from.

While writing this I am listening to Leonard Cohen's last album. Leonard Cohen, who is/was/is the most deeply poetic soul I 'know'. His poems are as powerful and personal as his lyrics.
Goodbye, Leonard, and thank you for all the beauty.

I discovered butterflies are hibernating in my living room. I felt in awe, humbled and grateful. They're sitting on the wall behind a bookcase and behind a small table. Yesterday one was flapping around the room with chewed up wings but this time I didn't open the door to the garden (it was freezing).

I'm still panicking over small stuff. My insides are churning with fear.
Maybe I'm trying to write in the middle of an unfinished process-cycle. I don't know.
I just wanted to write something in November.