Between hell and purgatory

is the name of an alley close to the medieval tower in my hometown. #true
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Apparently terrified of being 'in the moment'.
Although I am extremely sensitive, or maybe because of it, I am a thinker and use layers and layers of thought to protect me from the world, the moment, from being.
It's all so loud and sharp and overwhelming and painful.
I was sitting in the sun with Cat on my lap, making a conscious effort to drag my thought-process back to the moment and I realized I am terrified of being here, now.

So much condemnation and admiration going on, preferences, dislikes, judgments, mental preparations or attempts thereof.
Lots of CNN watching again (the biggest soap-opera in the world right now). I want to be all clever and write about my theories but that's not going to help me want to live. This is the dark period after a decision talking, no doubt, but it still is what it is.
It has been dread in my gut, crowded in my head, including a head-ache that won't quit, and fatigue. Mostly dread and nervousness, like a dog that knows a visit to the vet is imminent.
It hasn't let up since the decision to let go of all bitterness, so I'm probably just going through all that's rising to the surface.

Dreams have gone back to normal, no more past life names and images. One dream in particular has stuck with me, because its meaning was so obvious, so in my face and true.

Walking along a boulevard at night, the sky over the sea is a neon purple, like in Los Angeles, and my love's hand joins mine while we watch the white moon glide in front of the white sun. 

He turns and heads for a lit window, he enters the building, voices and noise reach me from inside.
I walk to a manhole cover in the middle of the street and lower my legs into the cavernous space below. I support myself with my arms and feebly call for help.

I am dangling my body over this dark, shadowy space! I do this!
*The planets align for us to finally meet, but while he chooses company and life and light, I choose the sewer (Jed's vivid imagery is still very appropriate). Even though it's relatively clean and empty (tinge of pride there?), it's still a sewer.

I keep battling shadows in the sewer.
It doesn't seem possible for me to accept the world as it is, with all its violence and stupidity. Life is horrible and I can't wait for it to end. That's just how it is. And that's why I'm going for the one suicide that will stick. I do not ever want to come back.

Right, having said that, I am looking forward to the biggest cleanse of my life, some time after returning from a visit to my sister's (my brother in law is turning forty).
Two weeks of barely eating plus two weeks of juice and water and nothing else. No thinking about grocery shopping, cooking, eating, snacking, weight et cetera. It's wonderful having that off my mind. Creates space.
At the moment my mind is too crowded to get clarity.

Disclaimer:
Just so there's no mistaking what I said before: I will not ever commit physical suicide.
- I very much dislike pain; having it or causing it, to myself or anyone else.
- I don't want there to be any possibility of having to come back.
Even if I didn't have all these personal experiences that tell me reincarnation is a fact of life, I wouldn't want to risk it.
Whether it's ego suicide, or soul suicide, or whatever name is most appropriate, I don't care, it's all I have.

(*) Weird: apparently there is some kind of rare planetary alignment going on which ends the day after tomorrow. Didn't know that until just now.