six times seven years
Monday 27 Feb.
Permission to breathe.
No empty 'doing' for the sake of doing.
Give over to the process.
Breathing easier, a little more space in my chest.
Tuesday 28 Feb.
For a while there, I forgot that it's God I rely on.
I may be seemingly dependent on the generosity of society, but should it disappear, God will be there to catch me when I fall.
It's all God anyway.
Every time I didn't know what to do, God appeared in some shape or form, some words or person or wonderful way.
I may be dependent on society but I rely on God.
Whatever happens, I answer to a higher power.
He will catch me when I fall.
For a while there, I forgot.
Lilies of the field, and all that.
"First seek God, all else will follow."
Wednesday 1 March
"Nobody was mean to you. Somebody was mean to what he or she thought was you, but not to you."
- Anthony De Mello
Opened "Awareness" at random and that's what I got. Perfect.
Was looking for the source of the other phrase/sentence, been using it a lot lately, very effective to stop thinking about minor issues/perceived problems.
Clinging to the past because of its story value to the book, afraid it will all disappear when I let go.
Friday 3 March
It's all about the book and if the Universe brought me this far, there's good reason to believe every need will be met when the time to write is right.
If I let go, I don't let go of the stories, I don't let go of the weird, meaningful stories of the past.
They will be there waiting for me when I'm ready. It's safe to let go. Nothing will be lost.
Besides, without the clinging, some clarity might be gained.
-
That sounds like Cat is tapping on the window with a stick. Weird.
Sunday 5 March
(after midnight)
Observe. Be aware, return to awareness as often as you can.
That reaction to your sister's text is just more proof and confirmation that it is time - and healthy - to let go of the past. All of the past.
Good and bad, the whole picture, the whole load and burden of prejudices, feelings, emotions, traumas, memories, stories, people, everything.
This moment was handed to you as an opportunity to become aware of how much influence the past has on you, your emotional state and your thoughts. Yes, it's mind-blowing.
You were only contemplating it, just musing and tentatively imagining whether it was a possibility, to let go of the past, trying to imagine a bit what that would be like, and BOOM! The past stepped in, intervened with roaring canons, took over your thoughts and toppled your entire day and evening.
Imagining is dangerous, it is visualizing's little brother.
Once you cán imagine what it would be like, once you cán see yourself doing exactly that, no matter how great the loss, that in itself is already making it happen.
The willingness is growing.
I have let it simmer and stew and develop over the past few days.
My past is a treasure trove of terrible fairy-tales, colorful people, wonderful encounters, weird and amazing experiences, and I'd hate to see it all go to waste, it's such a writer's goldmine!
But I have to trust that the Universe let me go through all that for the good of more than just me.
And I have to give the book space and not force it into a box.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
For now, observe what happens, there's a lot going on inside.
PS Wonderful things aren't just in the past, imagine what the present could be like if you gave it a chance to be itself.
(in the morning)
"We are but hollow vessels, washed through by history."
- Etty Hillesum
The past happened through me, not to me.
It doesn't belong to me, it isn't mine.
It just is.
Storm of rut-memories. Not all bad, beautiful moments too, with stars and miracles and light-green, velvet seas. What a trip.
I won't rush it. I won't.
But I am revisiting places and people in my mind. To say hi and goodbye. Because what's most important to me is Further, and the most important moment is, or should be, Now.
Even though right now it still scares the hell out of me.
No rush, no strong-arming yourself. Let that wave of anxiety crash, just ride it out. Remember to ride out the waves, you can't stop the boat, honey.
Maybe I shouldn't be writing all this, maybe I should just, I don't know, 'let the process be' or whatever.
But I need to make things clearer for myself and this is the only way I know how.
The adrenaline, anxiety and doubt rush to my head and before you know it, it all gets muddled again. Writing down the mud makes my head a bit cleaner.
Strange and scary and also a bit exciting, the possibility of a world without past. Especially the no-fear part is attractive.
How fresh and clean it would be.
-
Back from my once usual 75 minute walk, with weird muscle spasms and increasing pain in my right hip area (hello, hypochondria, my old friend). Achilles tendon behaving.
There was joy, gratitude, a sense of what it would mean to come Home. I giggled a few times. Giggled!
I sat on a bench, watched the sky, the moon, a black bird soaring past, rays of sun breaking through heavy clouds.
On my way back the white neighborhood cat came up to me to be petted. A first. I sometimes see it in the distance, walking about the place, it is a beautiful, radiant, pristinely snow white cat.
I said "it's my birthday" and it walked right up to me, curled itself around my legs, rolled around on the ground and let me scratch it behind the ears, and thank you, white cat, that was a nice present.
The best present today is progress, though.
I can feel it ebbing away again, but I felt joy today and nothing can take that away.
I couldn't contain my smile. It was nice. Thank You.
The realization came while walking, that besides knowing what I don't want, I am now getting a glimpse of what I do want, and that's powerful.
Right, back to hypochondria and tea.
Permission to breathe.
No empty 'doing' for the sake of doing.
Give over to the process.
Breathing easier, a little more space in my chest.
Tuesday 28 Feb.
For a while there, I forgot that it's God I rely on.
I may be seemingly dependent on the generosity of society, but should it disappear, God will be there to catch me when I fall.
It's all God anyway.
Every time I didn't know what to do, God appeared in some shape or form, some words or person or wonderful way.
I may be dependent on society but I rely on God.
Whatever happens, I answer to a higher power.
He will catch me when I fall.
For a while there, I forgot.
Lilies of the field, and all that.
"First seek God, all else will follow."
Wednesday 1 March
"Nobody was mean to you. Somebody was mean to what he or she thought was you, but not to you."
- Anthony De Mello
Opened "Awareness" at random and that's what I got. Perfect.
Was looking for the source of the other phrase/sentence, been using it a lot lately, very effective to stop thinking about minor issues/perceived problems.
Clinging to the past because of its story value to the book, afraid it will all disappear when I let go.
Friday 3 March
It's all about the book and if the Universe brought me this far, there's good reason to believe every need will be met when the time to write is right.
If I let go, I don't let go of the stories, I don't let go of the weird, meaningful stories of the past.
They will be there waiting for me when I'm ready. It's safe to let go. Nothing will be lost.
Besides, without the clinging, some clarity might be gained.
-
That sounds like Cat is tapping on the window with a stick. Weird.
Sunday 5 March
(after midnight)
Observe. Be aware, return to awareness as often as you can.
That reaction to your sister's text is just more proof and confirmation that it is time - and healthy - to let go of the past. All of the past.
Good and bad, the whole picture, the whole load and burden of prejudices, feelings, emotions, traumas, memories, stories, people, everything.
This moment was handed to you as an opportunity to become aware of how much influence the past has on you, your emotional state and your thoughts. Yes, it's mind-blowing.
You were only contemplating it, just musing and tentatively imagining whether it was a possibility, to let go of the past, trying to imagine a bit what that would be like, and BOOM! The past stepped in, intervened with roaring canons, took over your thoughts and toppled your entire day and evening.
Imagining is dangerous, it is visualizing's little brother.
Once you cán imagine what it would be like, once you cán see yourself doing exactly that, no matter how great the loss, that in itself is already making it happen.
The willingness is growing.
I have let it simmer and stew and develop over the past few days.
My past is a treasure trove of terrible fairy-tales, colorful people, wonderful encounters, weird and amazing experiences, and I'd hate to see it all go to waste, it's such a writer's goldmine!
But I have to trust that the Universe let me go through all that for the good of more than just me.
And I have to give the book space and not force it into a box.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
For now, observe what happens, there's a lot going on inside.
PS Wonderful things aren't just in the past, imagine what the present could be like if you gave it a chance to be itself.
(in the morning)
"We are but hollow vessels, washed through by history."
- Etty Hillesum
The past happened through me, not to me.
It doesn't belong to me, it isn't mine.
It just is.
Storm of rut-memories. Not all bad, beautiful moments too, with stars and miracles and light-green, velvet seas. What a trip.
I won't rush it. I won't.
But I am revisiting places and people in my mind. To say hi and goodbye. Because what's most important to me is Further, and the most important moment is, or should be, Now.
Even though right now it still scares the hell out of me.
No rush, no strong-arming yourself. Let that wave of anxiety crash, just ride it out. Remember to ride out the waves, you can't stop the boat, honey.
Maybe I shouldn't be writing all this, maybe I should just, I don't know, 'let the process be' or whatever.
But I need to make things clearer for myself and this is the only way I know how.
The adrenaline, anxiety and doubt rush to my head and before you know it, it all gets muddled again. Writing down the mud makes my head a bit cleaner.
Strange and scary and also a bit exciting, the possibility of a world without past. Especially the no-fear part is attractive.
How fresh and clean it would be.
-
Back from my once usual 75 minute walk, with weird muscle spasms and increasing pain in my right hip area (hello, hypochondria, my old friend). Achilles tendon behaving.
There was joy, gratitude, a sense of what it would mean to come Home. I giggled a few times. Giggled!
I sat on a bench, watched the sky, the moon, a black bird soaring past, rays of sun breaking through heavy clouds.
On my way back the white neighborhood cat came up to me to be petted. A first. I sometimes see it in the distance, walking about the place, it is a beautiful, radiant, pristinely snow white cat.
I said "it's my birthday" and it walked right up to me, curled itself around my legs, rolled around on the ground and let me scratch it behind the ears, and thank you, white cat, that was a nice present.
The best present today is progress, though.
I can feel it ebbing away again, but I felt joy today and nothing can take that away.
I couldn't contain my smile. It was nice. Thank You.
The realization came while walking, that besides knowing what I don't want, I am now getting a glimpse of what I do want, and that's powerful.
Right, back to hypochondria and tea.
posted by M. at 7:27 PM
0 comments
