(O)various notes
Tuesday 7 March
The day ended on a lovely note. [Writing about my birthday.]
Earlier, I had taped a Graham Norton Show because guests were Hugh Jackman and sir Patrick Stewart. I watched it a little later. Then sir Ian McKellen came on too, whom I adore, and at the end of the show (I always stop watching before the red chair segment) James Blunt performed and then sat down with the other men.
It was his birthday and they sang for him. These lovely, lovely men were singing happy birthday and it felt like a surprise gift from the universe. Amazing.
When they stopped singing I paused the recording to see if it was still the 5th and the time was exactly 0:00.
It couldn't have been a more wonderful end to the day.
Another universe prank: maybe because I bragged about how clean my dream-sewer was.
My new neighbor drives a van with "Sewer Cleaning Service" on the sides. Not so subtle, there!
A sign I can leave the sewer cleaning to others and get out? Noted.
Tuesday 14 March
Sheep the boat passes (none too quickly):
Grudges
Anger - big, red, trembling sheep.
Fear
Resentment
Righteous indignation
Polar sheep - victim/aggressor thinking.
Some sheep are running to keep up with the boat.
Lots of help from "Awareness", the Tony De Mello book.
Doom sheep - "the horror... the horror.."
Poor sheep - scared of money, feels small and incapable.
Wednesday 15 March
Democrasheep.
Thursday 16 March
Relationsheep.
Sunday 26 March
"Under the Milky way" on the radio, Cat on my lap.
In the garden, with a very muddled head.
Not-dealing with a disheartening financial situation that seems to need dealing with soon. An area where I lack expertise and which immediately clouds my mind just thinking about it. Near-panic as a result.
Trying to leave it to my intuition, which I fear is clouded over as well, due to another challenge. The universe knows my weaknesses, no doubt about it.
So I met the new neighbor, who cleans sewers for a living. I'd heard humming at some point and that was reassuring. Someone who hums can't be bad, right?
Few days ago he rang my doorbell and introduced himself as the new neighbor. He is also named M. so I'll call him M2.
M2 is young and cute and all the old habits sprung forth from this here fertile earth like it was 20 years ago.
Right next door, nice, cute guy. Thanks, Universe. Can't think straight. All the clichés are true: in my mind I am young. Now I'm wearing a bra and semi-decent clothes. Inside the house. Just in case.
Old me wants to say 'pathetic' but with less judgment.
It does muddy the waters. Which is good.
This is an old thing. Trying to impress with curves/punching the bag in the shed really hard (he might hear how strong I am)/laughing out loud so he can hear I'm fine with my own company/cleaning the floor a bit more than I'd usually do, which is okay.
It brings all that stuff to the forefront where it can be dealt with. At the same time it's clouding my head so much I don't know how to deal with it. Hence, the writing.
-
Progress will continue no matter what.
Further, further, further. No worries, M. You couldn't stop the process if you wanted to. First seek God, everything else will follow.
Progress is the most important.
Inadequately dealing with dragons like the financial thing WILL NOT stop your progress. Progress will be made whatever happens, whatever the result.
What about the new neighbor?
The same thing. Old habits rise to the surface. Just watch, observe.
He lives there, so this will be dealt with either way. It's not a stagnant situation.
It helps you become extra aware of these tendencies in you that stem from feeling not good enough just the way you are.
The need to impress exists only because you being you is not impressive.
Which is fine when you stop to think about it.
Be you. Be who you are. Use him for practice. Watch your actions, and reactions. All these things exist to assist. To assist you, not hinder you.
Your worry about coming to a complete stop is unfounded. You'll see.
Monday 27 march
Situation clarified. Dread-sheep still on standby.
Recap of the weeks since my birthday.
During that walk it felt like trees were high fiving each other and clouds were doing cartwheels in the sky.
Then, rough, rough weeks followed, physically speaking. Lot of pain in my belly. Image of a rubber band stretched out far, then released => it goes nuts before returning to a state of looseness.
March 5 may have released immense amounts of stress stored in the body. Lots of pain, bloating, disfunctional bowels, what felt like inflamed ovaries, the works. I used painkillers, which usually I don't, but the anxiety and stress about the pain aggravated the pain.
I was already looking forward to the biggest juice cleanse ever, and I'm starting tomorrow. Maybe it will take some pressure off the bowels trying to divest themselves of old toxins and stress.
So, no glorious news, just stress and pain.
Trying to come to grips with not fitting in, at all.
Tuesday 28 March
No coffee and sugar anymore. Lots of water.
Touch of paranoia.
Sewer cleaning time.
Wednesday 29 March
Headache.
Pain in throat and bowels.
Some grief and worries.
Thursday 30 March
Painful ovaries for months now. Increasingly so after a walk or exercise.
Monday 3 April
Awful on Friday, so much weird pain, like ovaries on fire. Scary to wait it out and not go to a doctor on a Friday. Whole weekend to get through.
Still pain, very bloated. Can't walk or exercise so did some gardening.
Second day without food. Thought it might help, if it was bowels, but it doesn't.
Belly bloated like a cow's carcass on a hot summer day.
Is it the ovaries? Does the universe have a 'use it or lose it' policy?
Sunday 16 April
A bit that hasn't been let go. Do I dig and look or do I keep riding out the waves and let it take care of itself because the process continues either way?
Look at it a little, at least, because 'hasn't been let go yet' is different from 'it's something I don't want to let go of'.
Text: SEARCHLIGHT ON.
There's a willingness to see. No further probing necessary.
It will surface when ready.
Sunday 30 April
Challenges had.
One of them, my sister.
Another: didn't expect this much physical pain from this process. Not that there were many examples to look to. Every body is different, so everyone's path is different.
Cloudy mind, probably still from all the released toxins during and after the cleanse.
I am letting go. This I say to myself sometimes. I am letting go of everything. All the good and all the bad. I am letting go of the past. No more: oh wait, maybe not this. No. I am letting go of everything.
The wind is blowing in a certain way.
It makes the tallest birch tree sway.
A sound of sun and leaves today.
The world once more okay.
The day ended on a lovely note. [Writing about my birthday.]
Earlier, I had taped a Graham Norton Show because guests were Hugh Jackman and sir Patrick Stewart. I watched it a little later. Then sir Ian McKellen came on too, whom I adore, and at the end of the show (I always stop watching before the red chair segment) James Blunt performed and then sat down with the other men.
It was his birthday and they sang for him. These lovely, lovely men were singing happy birthday and it felt like a surprise gift from the universe. Amazing.
When they stopped singing I paused the recording to see if it was still the 5th and the time was exactly 0:00.
It couldn't have been a more wonderful end to the day.
Another universe prank: maybe because I bragged about how clean my dream-sewer was.
My new neighbor drives a van with "Sewer Cleaning Service" on the sides. Not so subtle, there!
A sign I can leave the sewer cleaning to others and get out? Noted.
Tuesday 14 March
Sheep the boat passes (none too quickly):
Grudges
Anger - big, red, trembling sheep.
Fear
Resentment
Righteous indignation
Polar sheep - victim/aggressor thinking.
Some sheep are running to keep up with the boat.
Lots of help from "Awareness", the Tony De Mello book.
Doom sheep - "the horror... the horror.."
Poor sheep - scared of money, feels small and incapable.
Wednesday 15 March
Democrasheep.
Thursday 16 March
Relationsheep.
Sunday 26 March
"Under the Milky way" on the radio, Cat on my lap.
In the garden, with a very muddled head.
Not-dealing with a disheartening financial situation that seems to need dealing with soon. An area where I lack expertise and which immediately clouds my mind just thinking about it. Near-panic as a result.
Trying to leave it to my intuition, which I fear is clouded over as well, due to another challenge. The universe knows my weaknesses, no doubt about it.
So I met the new neighbor, who cleans sewers for a living. I'd heard humming at some point and that was reassuring. Someone who hums can't be bad, right?
Few days ago he rang my doorbell and introduced himself as the new neighbor. He is also named M. so I'll call him M2.
M2 is young and cute and all the old habits sprung forth from this here fertile earth like it was 20 years ago.
Right next door, nice, cute guy. Thanks, Universe. Can't think straight. All the clichés are true: in my mind I am young. Now I'm wearing a bra and semi-decent clothes. Inside the house. Just in case.
Old me wants to say 'pathetic' but with less judgment.
It does muddy the waters. Which is good.
This is an old thing. Trying to impress with curves/punching the bag in the shed really hard (he might hear how strong I am)/laughing out loud so he can hear I'm fine with my own company/cleaning the floor a bit more than I'd usually do, which is okay.
It brings all that stuff to the forefront where it can be dealt with. At the same time it's clouding my head so much I don't know how to deal with it. Hence, the writing.
-
Progress will continue no matter what.
Further, further, further. No worries, M. You couldn't stop the process if you wanted to. First seek God, everything else will follow.
Progress is the most important.
Inadequately dealing with dragons like the financial thing WILL NOT stop your progress. Progress will be made whatever happens, whatever the result.
What about the new neighbor?
The same thing. Old habits rise to the surface. Just watch, observe.
He lives there, so this will be dealt with either way. It's not a stagnant situation.
It helps you become extra aware of these tendencies in you that stem from feeling not good enough just the way you are.
The need to impress exists only because you being you is not impressive.
Which is fine when you stop to think about it.
Be you. Be who you are. Use him for practice. Watch your actions, and reactions. All these things exist to assist. To assist you, not hinder you.
Your worry about coming to a complete stop is unfounded. You'll see.
Monday 27 march
Situation clarified. Dread-sheep still on standby.
Recap of the weeks since my birthday.
During that walk it felt like trees were high fiving each other and clouds were doing cartwheels in the sky.
Then, rough, rough weeks followed, physically speaking. Lot of pain in my belly. Image of a rubber band stretched out far, then released => it goes nuts before returning to a state of looseness.
March 5 may have released immense amounts of stress stored in the body. Lots of pain, bloating, disfunctional bowels, what felt like inflamed ovaries, the works. I used painkillers, which usually I don't, but the anxiety and stress about the pain aggravated the pain.
I was already looking forward to the biggest juice cleanse ever, and I'm starting tomorrow. Maybe it will take some pressure off the bowels trying to divest themselves of old toxins and stress.
So, no glorious news, just stress and pain.
Trying to come to grips with not fitting in, at all.
Tuesday 28 March
No coffee and sugar anymore. Lots of water.
Touch of paranoia.
Sewer cleaning time.
Wednesday 29 March
Headache.
Pain in throat and bowels.
Some grief and worries.
Thursday 30 March
Painful ovaries for months now. Increasingly so after a walk or exercise.
Monday 3 April
Awful on Friday, so much weird pain, like ovaries on fire. Scary to wait it out and not go to a doctor on a Friday. Whole weekend to get through.
Still pain, very bloated. Can't walk or exercise so did some gardening.
Second day without food. Thought it might help, if it was bowels, but it doesn't.
Belly bloated like a cow's carcass on a hot summer day.
Is it the ovaries? Does the universe have a 'use it or lose it' policy?
Sunday 16 April
A bit that hasn't been let go. Do I dig and look or do I keep riding out the waves and let it take care of itself because the process continues either way?
Look at it a little, at least, because 'hasn't been let go yet' is different from 'it's something I don't want to let go of'.
Text: SEARCHLIGHT ON.
There's a willingness to see. No further probing necessary.
It will surface when ready.
Sunday 30 April
Challenges had.
One of them, my sister.
Another: didn't expect this much physical pain from this process. Not that there were many examples to look to. Every body is different, so everyone's path is different.
Cloudy mind, probably still from all the released toxins during and after the cleanse.
I am letting go. This I say to myself sometimes. I am letting go of everything. All the good and all the bad. I am letting go of the past. No more: oh wait, maybe not this. No. I am letting go of everything.
The wind is blowing in a certain way.
It makes the tallest birch tree sway.
A sound of sun and leaves today.
The world once more okay.
posted by M. at 6:33 PM
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