May
Thursday 11 May
Lots of Sudoku going on.
Felt the need to get a lot done and that's my cue to slow down instead of speeding things up. One of my favorite tea-label-quotes: "When in a hurry, take a detour."
So after once again spending way too much time on the phone Greek ex sent me to read about the Tangerine Threat, it's Sudoku time.
Starting to trust that the process continues without my butting in.
So even though I've been quite vague in the head lately, it is possible that this is actually a good thing, for stuff to work itself out subconsciously. No meddling.
I can put on a captain's hat, suck on a pipe and firmly grip the ship's wheel, but it's not connected to anything.
Thursday 25 May
Few hours of sleep, my back didn't like the mattress.
After just one day at my sister's, regressed into 'pleasing' habits. Please like me. Please don't tell me I'm not welcome here, or that I'm a burden.
Why does that cause such a panicky reaction? ' They don't want me anymore ' ?
No, now that I'm writing that down, there is no panic. Nothing. Just insecure, raw nerves, because of an overexposure to human contact.
Saying something just to say something.
Remind yourself to go for a walk later, M.
You need it.
Wednesday 31 May
Had some nice and very necessary walks to the beach while I was there; studied the dead crabs and jellyfish and sat on a rock just staring at the sea until I felt somewhat tethered again.
Despite the constant state of complete overwhelmed-ness, I did notice the absence of fear when my sister announced our father was coming to visit.
He was still in Holland visiting friends and doctors, and wanted to come by for my niece's birthday.
No trepidation, no anxiety ruining the preceding days, nothing but the standard completely overwhelmed, insecure, grovelly, talking-just-to-talk state - slightly and temporarily lifted by me going off on long walks.
Usually it's either-or. I'm either strong and relatively relaxed, or insecure and overwhelmed and very not-me.
This time I was all the latter but NOT with the usual ingredient of stress over a sudden visit by my father. Which is significant.
Even when he made one of his comments; I dismissed it without anger, without hiding sudden tears, without hurt.
Also, I didn't feel obligated to keep a conversation going, so we just sat there, both doing Sudoku - him on his phone, me in a book with a pen.
In the afternoon the overwhelmed-ness was too much again so I took off for a long, long walk and when I returned he was just leaving.
-
I haven't laughed so hard in at least 6 months.
Came up with the idea of filming videos of spiritual frauds doing things horribly wrong.
Like aggressively 'baptizing' people in the surf ("mommy, is that woman drowning?"), or a hot stone massage with freshly baked bricks, straight out of the oven ("now, relax and let go, just like your skin is doing").
My sister and I nearly peed ourselves laughing, thinking up ridiculous how-not-to instruction videos.
Later my father told us how he used a rolling pin to crush a blanket of caterpillars covering his pick-nick table, which got us going again. Cruel yet genius.
Also, our 71-year-old father with two bad hips climbed into a prune tree to squash every rogue caterpillar he could get his hands on.
It reminded me of all the butterflies waking up prematurely, but it did inspire another fantasy; about a BBC crew tracking a rare butterfly across the globe and finally discovering caterpillars on a private island in the bay of Venice, only to arrive at the scene of an elderly man up a tree squashing them one by one with his thumb.
Not to mention the rolling pin massacre.
-
Anyway. Back home now, still overwhelmed, still recovering, so little in the way of spiritual autolysis.
Bit more clarity is required.
Lots of Sudoku going on.
Felt the need to get a lot done and that's my cue to slow down instead of speeding things up. One of my favorite tea-label-quotes: "When in a hurry, take a detour."
So after once again spending way too much time on the phone Greek ex sent me to read about the Tangerine Threat, it's Sudoku time.
Starting to trust that the process continues without my butting in.
So even though I've been quite vague in the head lately, it is possible that this is actually a good thing, for stuff to work itself out subconsciously. No meddling.
I can put on a captain's hat, suck on a pipe and firmly grip the ship's wheel, but it's not connected to anything.
Thursday 25 May
Few hours of sleep, my back didn't like the mattress.
After just one day at my sister's, regressed into 'pleasing' habits. Please like me. Please don't tell me I'm not welcome here, or that I'm a burden.
Why does that cause such a panicky reaction? ' They don't want me anymore ' ?
No, now that I'm writing that down, there is no panic. Nothing. Just insecure, raw nerves, because of an overexposure to human contact.
Saying something just to say something.
Remind yourself to go for a walk later, M.
You need it.
Wednesday 31 May
Had some nice and very necessary walks to the beach while I was there; studied the dead crabs and jellyfish and sat on a rock just staring at the sea until I felt somewhat tethered again.
Despite the constant state of complete overwhelmed-ness, I did notice the absence of fear when my sister announced our father was coming to visit.
He was still in Holland visiting friends and doctors, and wanted to come by for my niece's birthday.
No trepidation, no anxiety ruining the preceding days, nothing but the standard completely overwhelmed, insecure, grovelly, talking-just-to-talk state - slightly and temporarily lifted by me going off on long walks.
Usually it's either-or. I'm either strong and relatively relaxed, or insecure and overwhelmed and very not-me.
This time I was all the latter but NOT with the usual ingredient of stress over a sudden visit by my father. Which is significant.
Even when he made one of his comments; I dismissed it without anger, without hiding sudden tears, without hurt.
Also, I didn't feel obligated to keep a conversation going, so we just sat there, both doing Sudoku - him on his phone, me in a book with a pen.
In the afternoon the overwhelmed-ness was too much again so I took off for a long, long walk and when I returned he was just leaving.
-
I haven't laughed so hard in at least 6 months.
Came up with the idea of filming videos of spiritual frauds doing things horribly wrong.
Like aggressively 'baptizing' people in the surf ("mommy, is that woman drowning?"), or a hot stone massage with freshly baked bricks, straight out of the oven ("now, relax and let go, just like your skin is doing").
My sister and I nearly peed ourselves laughing, thinking up ridiculous how-not-to instruction videos.
Later my father told us how he used a rolling pin to crush a blanket of caterpillars covering his pick-nick table, which got us going again. Cruel yet genius.
Also, our 71-year-old father with two bad hips climbed into a prune tree to squash every rogue caterpillar he could get his hands on.
It reminded me of all the butterflies waking up prematurely, but it did inspire another fantasy; about a BBC crew tracking a rare butterfly across the globe and finally discovering caterpillars on a private island in the bay of Venice, only to arrive at the scene of an elderly man up a tree squashing them one by one with his thumb.
Not to mention the rolling pin massacre.
-
Anyway. Back home now, still overwhelmed, still recovering, so little in the way of spiritual autolysis.
Bit more clarity is required.
posted by M. at 7:53 PM
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