Oh boy
Monday 5 June
Something happened yesterday; a churning in the solar plexus and a warmth in my chest. The same feeling I had so often in the very beginning of this journey, it was a sign of change, still is.
I can feel tentacles reaching out to grab people, places, trying to hold on. Crying again. Sleep deprivation.
Laughing out loud now. Must seem like I'm losing my mind. Oh well.
Wednesday 7 June
Attachments; swirling, judgments about myself; swirling. Nerves, panic. All the old fears connected to men; swirling.
M2 is a link - right next door - not just to men in general, but his name is the same as one of my least favorite exes. His middle name is rare, and the same as a guy who shocked me with pornographic images on stained glass windows he crafted. His brother's name is the same as another one of my exes, who actually showed up at the door recently.
And other links.
And I fight it all because I'm scared for what happens if I don't.
But the fighting and struggling will pass. Just a ball of tension today.
My sewer-cleaning neighbor is a massive trigger for everything clogging me.
Friday 9 June
I'm still under the mistaken impression I can do something wrong.
There is no such thing.
-
Man-storm raging inside of me.
All fears and anxieties connected to men, sex, relationships and rejection have completely taken over my body.
I yell: "pull back! pull back! pull back!" or "Retreat!!" and remind myself to hold off on acting until some sense of calm returns. Distance. M2 has all these triggers and he's right next door.
That's hard, so hard not to lose myself in the darkest parts of me.
What an efficient pressure cooker way to get all this stuff off the bottom and up to the surface.
Very efficient. I don't like it.
Sunday 11 June
Tense, tense, tense. Waiting for him to leave his house so I can breathe easy for a while; that's how messed up I am right now.
Monday 19 June
Things disappearing in a haze of sleep deprivation, pot - yes, indeed - much fondling with M2 and every single man-related fear and obstacle since ever.
Also a frightening pot-brownie related incident on Friday, which showed me M2's other face. Much to deal with. Or not.
Let it play out.
Drugs are just not for me. Third time's a charm with the extra-baked goods and this was scarier than the incidents of 20 and 25 years ago.
It felt like a string of mini-blackouts, falling through the cracks of time, not knowing whether it was really happening, after every sentence doubting it was real.
Paranoid, panicked, losing it.
Hung over a bucket for what seemed like hours before I was able to puke and morning came. Close to going into shock, body cold allover. M2 lay on the couch until I was able to move again, he thought I might be dead.
Freaking nightmare.
If instability is a good thing, a productive state to be in, then yeah, this has all been a massive success. Not what I'd expected from a spiritual autolysis process, but there you go, what do I know?
At least the pipes are getting unclogged.
-
What are the odds?
I almost never feel attracted to anyone, so the game is rigged.
My neighbor, Universe?
Who is half my age by the way.
[slow clap]
Something happened yesterday; a churning in the solar plexus and a warmth in my chest. The same feeling I had so often in the very beginning of this journey, it was a sign of change, still is.
I can feel tentacles reaching out to grab people, places, trying to hold on. Crying again. Sleep deprivation.
Laughing out loud now. Must seem like I'm losing my mind. Oh well.
Wednesday 7 June
Attachments; swirling, judgments about myself; swirling. Nerves, panic. All the old fears connected to men; swirling.
M2 is a link - right next door - not just to men in general, but his name is the same as one of my least favorite exes. His middle name is rare, and the same as a guy who shocked me with pornographic images on stained glass windows he crafted. His brother's name is the same as another one of my exes, who actually showed up at the door recently.
And other links.
And I fight it all because I'm scared for what happens if I don't.
But the fighting and struggling will pass. Just a ball of tension today.
My sewer-cleaning neighbor is a massive trigger for everything clogging me.
Friday 9 June
I'm still under the mistaken impression I can do something wrong.
There is no such thing.
-
Man-storm raging inside of me.
All fears and anxieties connected to men, sex, relationships and rejection have completely taken over my body.
I yell: "pull back! pull back! pull back!" or "Retreat!!" and remind myself to hold off on acting until some sense of calm returns. Distance. M2 has all these triggers and he's right next door.
That's hard, so hard not to lose myself in the darkest parts of me.
What an efficient pressure cooker way to get all this stuff off the bottom and up to the surface.
Very efficient. I don't like it.
Sunday 11 June
Tense, tense, tense. Waiting for him to leave his house so I can breathe easy for a while; that's how messed up I am right now.
Monday 19 June
Things disappearing in a haze of sleep deprivation, pot - yes, indeed - much fondling with M2 and every single man-related fear and obstacle since ever.
Also a frightening pot-brownie related incident on Friday, which showed me M2's other face. Much to deal with. Or not.
Let it play out.
Drugs are just not for me. Third time's a charm with the extra-baked goods and this was scarier than the incidents of 20 and 25 years ago.
It felt like a string of mini-blackouts, falling through the cracks of time, not knowing whether it was really happening, after every sentence doubting it was real.
Paranoid, panicked, losing it.
Hung over a bucket for what seemed like hours before I was able to puke and morning came. Close to going into shock, body cold allover. M2 lay on the couch until I was able to move again, he thought I might be dead.
Freaking nightmare.
If instability is a good thing, a productive state to be in, then yeah, this has all been a massive success. Not what I'd expected from a spiritual autolysis process, but there you go, what do I know?
At least the pipes are getting unclogged.
-
What are the odds?
I almost never feel attracted to anyone, so the game is rigged.
My neighbor, Universe?
Who is half my age by the way.
[slow clap]
posted by M. at 4:08 PM
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