Dream

Was buying chocolate somewhere (what else) and there was a radio playing. 
I said to the girl behind the counter "ooh, I love this music" and moved with the song. 

Woke up with it in my head, no clue as to what it was or by whom, so I Googled the only words I knew and it was this: "Duel" by Propaganda, a German band apparently.
Song is from 1985.

"Face to face with their own disillusions
(...)
It's too late, the decision is made by fate
(...)
Time to prove what forever should last
(...)
And when blow by blow
The passion dies sweet little death
Just have been lies"

Mind, your own business

13 April

Got efficiently sucked into the world and its dramas. But I seem to finally have had enough of it. 

Despite all the anxiety, fear and worrying about some day having to break up, go to funerals, move away, and so on. 

I was so deep in the mud I'd almost forgotten what I had been trying to do. 

All the little dramas, all theater, all fake. Even speaking out loud to myself I had to pronounce each and every word slowly and carefully to make sure it was real. The taste of bullshit in my mouth is all too familiar. 

God it's so hard to be authentic, real, even just for me, when I'm alone. Still impossible with others, just thinking about it makes me feel fake.

So far removed from my purpose. 

Not that I'd know of course. But my mind is drowning me in fears, anxieties, specters and other people's perceived wishes and expectations. 

Even though most would probably be fine with me becoming more real, and so would I. 

Long ago, I made myself promise to remind me every time I hesitated to go forward that progress was always a good thing, always preferable. 

Things get lighter, more relaxed, real, less heavy on the drama. Further really is the most important. No matter what. 

Just writing it down scares me. 

I think about the Muppet so often. Don't want my mind to ruin it by obsessing about breaking up, when that might be just what it wants, since M2 brings every bit of old crap to the surface; our clashes stir up the whole lot in that caked crust on the bottom of the pond, which is the best that could have happened to me in the name of progress. 

Also, I love him. 

Leave me alone, mind. Seriously, f*ck you.