Blood moon

It doesn't get any easier. This is some year.

The blood moon had me boiling with rage, but when I spent the evening at a dolmen looking at the light returning after the eclipse I felt calm and satisfied.

Of course the damage had been done by then.

Earlier this month my mother stayed here for a few days and we went to the same dolmen at night, cycling, so she could take photographs of the dolmen against a backdrop of stars. Bucketlist-thing. 

These two experiences were the nicest of this year.

Exciting and interesting. 

Other than that, it sure seems my pipes are being flushed. 

I don't know whether that's an existing expression but you get my drift.

All the bad has come out. 

I've been behaving childish, jealous, resentful, nasty, arrogant, greedy, you name it. Every fear has materialized into some sort of childish, ego-fuelled behavior. Partly due to not having enough time to be alone, because I am not able to say "no." Still. 

I need time alone to 'recover' from company. 

Oh I love him, so much, but he was obviously put here to push allll my buttons. 

He doesn't accept "no" because he never had to growing up. Spoiled white rich kid. 

With a lot of rage and a need to sedate himself. Also a strong will, as have I, which clashed like hell.

I'm still going to the gym, three times a week now, injuries and defects and all. Only thing that makes me feel a bit better.

Amazes me how low and healthy my bloodpressure is with the amount of stress in my body almost 24/7.

It's obvious I am not capable of being in a relationship. All that crap comes up. All that childish crap, and I'm 43 for God's sake. He's no picnic either, but at his age I was probably a lot worse. 

All that crap comes up, and there is no end to it. 

So much fear involved. Of being abandoned, of being unwanted, unloved, cheated out of something. 

It goes on. And on. And on. 

And still no painting. 

All that comes out of me is shit. At both ends.