Motherclogger

Crete knows how to turn me upside down, inside out.

This time with mortal fear right at the start, then later obsessive worries and heartbreak concerning my sister, M2 and cats.

I won't get into it.

At least no rape and I am still alive, which is a plus I guess. Also fewer fights with Yianni, which tells me that something did change in me.

Other than that, some closure, some distance, some much needed alone time and great food. And I mean great food.

Now I feel broken inside. M2 is a catalyst for so much, which I'm pretty sure is the only reason I can't seem to break with him definitively, my intuition just doesn't tell me to quit, no matter the pain.
Or because of the pain.

He is Further for me.

He is Further's tool, the most efficient tool to flush my pipes with. Which is his actual job (I know I mentioned this before, but it's just so ridiculous).

I just went with him to a clogged toilet job last night (I like the ride in the dark, high in the little truck).

Also finished Jed's rants nr1 again today, oh pardon, Jed Talks #1 (lovely surprise - the email I got while in Crete about Jed Talks #2 becoming available). This got to me too, in my shook up state.

It's like I ate drama-soup. Gut wrenching drama-soup.

All drama, all the time, and we can go on like this forever.

Going in circles, worrying, hurting, suffering, crying, trying, realizing, processing, worrying, hurting and so on, and so on.

And so on.

It's all great book material, but this is going nowhere.
And for whom's amusement? Not mine.
I feel sick today, just sick of it. And nothing will happen, nothing will be done until my intuition tells me to move, to do something, take a step.
Sick of it.

PS Ten days in, I did start a journal.