Lost at sea

My birthday is next week.
Don't feel like writing.
Still shedding old skin so to speak.
Everything exhausts me.

M2 broke up with me again, moved to his mother's and left me with his cats.
He can't live alone without using drugs, so it's probably for the best.
His tool-days may be over. Perhaps Further can do without him from here on out.
I am alone once again, and I need to get used to it.
Become familiar with it. It has been good to me before.

I am also losing the one person who has always been there for me when I needed help.
Neighbor is dying.
She has a horrible cancer and lost so much weight I had to blink twice when she came to my door.
Her face is gray.
Last week she decided whether or not she'd have chemo.
I haven't had the strength to ask about her decision yet, but I don't think she'll make it to the end of this year.

Visiting Cat is dead. Haven't seen her since November and the last time she visited she was very skinny.
When I saw my neighbor like that, I realized the sweetest cat I've ever known must be dead.

In January I decided to give myself one more year.
At the end I'll either be in a better place financially, or I'll travel to the nearest beach, take my sleeping pills and go for a swim.
I didn't make that decision lightly, but the costs of living have risen and keep rising so much, and I don't know how to survive anymore.
Food is about all I spend money on these days.
The courses might open up opportunities, but I still need to become the person who can finish them.
We'll see.
This is an untenable situation, so something has to give.