Sri sri sri sri shoes

A few days ago I saw someone while on a walk for the first time in a long while. 
It's a guy who lives in the same neighborhood, I don't know where. 
Sometimes I ran into him on walks over the years.
A year (or two) ago I noticed how he seemed realler than anyone else I encounter around here. He shot me a look of bewildered grief, it seemed, brown circles under his eyes. 
This time, few days ago, he walked by with his dog - a boy and his dog - and said hello. I greeted him back and walked on. He had a short beard, shabby and obviously grown out of neglect. 
He seemed to be unravelling. I was interested, because it seemed like a close up view of someone actually in the throes of the 2 year process Jed describes.
I am still not completely at peace with my own journey taking some probably necessary detours to get rid of all this toxic fear in my mind and body and I felt a little envious but mostly I silently cheered him on. Unravelling is the best suited word I can come up with for him.
It's interesting. This town is mostly populated by young parents, kids and old people and some nuts in between like yours truly. That look on his face some years ago was realer than anything I have encountered here, he was there, right then and there, stunned, present.

Again I contemplated my journey, my goals, the time it's taking, how everything always seems to be right on time, so how can it be wrong et cetera et cetera.
After I saw him I started re-re-rereading "Spiritual Enlightenment - the damnedest thing."
There is a constant mix going on of anxiety, fear, trust that I am being guided and the Universe wants the book to be written as much as I want it, suspicion and doubt about the Universe because of potential other shoes ready to be dropped sneakily hidden behind the Universe's back, plus the constant eb and flow of feeling outside of society and human contact, wishing to be able to connect at some level, and the desire to be left alone completely and asking myself whether it is even a real wish, or that maybe the wish itself is conditioned.
In my mind the picture is much clearer than I can describe once I sit down to type it out. At least I have a functioning computer again, so maybe now I'll write more often.
Social distancing hasn't changed my life much, except for not being able to go to the gym for 3 months. I have been going again the past weeks.

Every step in the process needs to 'work itself out' before the next step can be taken and these periods take more time with me because my body and mind are ravaged by fear. There is so much of it.
So much, a seemingly bottomless reservoir, and since fear holds everything together, the fear inside me being worked out so it can dissapate is so strong and present, that even though there is some awareness and has been for a long time, it gets overwhelmed by fear.
All that needs to happen here, is for fear to fall away on its own. It's all coming to the surface. Yes, still. In different forms and lately most of it in the shape of fear for my mother's death and M2's cats getting hurt in some way. But I guess it could be anything. The fear is strong in this one.
Other than that, I have known for a long time, since I was a kid, that when I really REALLY want something, I get it, no matter what it is. This trust I have, it is absolute.
Also, since almost 3 decades, I listen to my intuition, this is my guide in everything and I don't even think it's possible to not follow that guidance.
And, when I am in a sufficiently fear-reduced state, I trust the Universe to provide and listen to cues. When for example I get the feeling I should go to the second hand shop I always find the most wonderful and needed/wanted things. (That's how I found the love of my life; an orange recliner that looks like I might be shot into space, but in a very mellow way.)
The Universe wants me to write the book, the Universe, Life itself wants me to write that book after I have lived the story first. This is what I read in what has happened in my life.
And still I berate myself, well, mildly at least, for taking so long because of what sri sri sri sri Jed says about the process. Also I'm way too old now, according to him. Haha!
It's my life goal and purpose to wake up and it's taking a long, long time but on another level I am sort of awake-adjacent were it not for the fear.
I am pretty sure mine and the Universe's goal for my life are aligned and everything is running along smoothly, but surrendering completely, and the peace in that, has eluded me so far.
It has been edging closer though, I got some wonderful reminders, but those hidden shoes man...
The fear is strong.