Manure

Notes.

Watching Highlander on New Year's Eve. "There can be only One."
In the end, after the last fight, the 'quickening' happens and the 'Prince of the universe' is now "one with all living things." 

[Indecent amounts of sugar later.] Weepy. Also, another period, since the last day of the year. Heavy one too. Sense of loss, listening to old songs. Hypochondriac episode is the final touch; sugar, old songs, blood and fear. Yeah, that's the 'me' cocoon. 

Fear, and other people's (and animals') pain. That's where I get stuck. That's where I *am* stuck, and can't seem to get past.

Great variation in days. Deeply depressed, not out of bed till 2pm, and bingeing Mr Mercedes. Then: Afraid, so afraid. Then: panicked about contact. Overwhelmed. Then: Neutral, and hardly any tv.
Well, within this enclosure it is a great variation. Short walk every day this week, mostly in the dark. 

No way to compare, M. From complex-PTSD to Truth-Realization is a whole other beast. Time to drop the self-criticism. This is what it is, what it wants to be, for purposes unknown.
Also the process is what's happening within the vastness of What Is. Another wave. Watch, don't fight or suppress or criticize. Just watch. 

Lots and lots of yawning happening these last few days. Bit more relaxation in the body with each yawn. 

Starting to see
There is no me 

Aaaaand here we go: round trillion gazillion. 

Fully submerged in the character for over a week now, maybe even more than ten days, I've lost track of time.
Hardly any physical activity, mostly just listening to CNN while playing mind-numbing games on my phone. Which is probably the exact right thing, providing the opportunity for processes to work in the background in an optimal way.
Annoyed by sounds, voices, the neighbor girl stampeding up and down the stairs until half past one in the morning. Nerves frazzled. Hardly aware of awareness. Overeating is dominant. 

Filthy kitchen but vacuuming more than ever before in my life. Still on my phone until my eyes twitch. Lots of screen time, little to no exercise.
Fear of dogs more present than usual, ruining walks.
No residing in awareness, none. Not trying too either. If it comes it comes willingly. Hardly listening to Mooji, Rupert, Anna or Jon anymore. Piano music and Bernie memes are my thing now. Until they are not. 

A joyless existence. 

Another old fear triggered. Fear of groups ganging up on me. Guy from a group of young people followed me on his bike, in the dark, when I returned from a walk - the first in a while because of that other old fear, dogs.
When I turned around, he turned around as well and went back to his friends. Fucking coward. Then later at night a loud boom - probably from the same dick who's always fucking around with fireworks and exploding stuff. Adrenaline is wrecking my body.
Fear of people, intense dislike of their voices and other sounds, mild hatred for the bitch neighbor's cackling and stomping around like a fucking elephant all day. Sickened by all this shit, this endless fear and panic and dread and hate.
So, having a grand old time really, this spiritual stuff is great, you should try it.