Tap dancing

During the day things are .. well, what they are.
At night when the dumb bitch pounds the floor the rage comes. Lots of rage.
That's okay, it needs to get out, cycle through my system, it's just really hard not to act on it (like banging on the wall). So so hard. I turn up the volume on the tv to drown it out but it's So Fucking Loud. At night. All afternoon and then at fucking night, until 1 am, 1:30. Go live on a farm bitch, there you can wear clogs and stomp on your fucking floors to your heart's content.
But it's the loud and/or annoying sound thing. When I'm like this an idling car engine gets me into a rage as well. And what do you do? I try stuff.
Calling Divine Mother. Breathing into my heart. Going into the rage. Letting it be. Talking over it, trying to calm myself down. Don't know what to do with it so I just fumble my way through it and take a sleeping pill if it's preventing me from falling asleep. It's been weeks and weeks. Rage rage rage, mostly at night.
Yesterday I even had the same fantasies again as I had as a child when we went out to eat and there was a toddler crying its head off. Violent, extremely violent fantasies.
Punching her right through the face, slamming her into walls, stomping her head to a bloody pulp. And so on. Quite graphic - I'm a visual person.
Maybe I'll watch Dexter again.

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Abuse and gas-lighting via whatsapp from M2. My heart still pounding hours afterwards. Then another rant, followed by abusive and disgusting things.
In the meantime, adrenaline pumping through my system once again.
First day I kind of got through the elephant stampede next door without rage. Then this. It's all very efficient, I get that. But Jesus fucking Christ. 

I read some guy's comment on a Jon Bernie video, something about an awakening when he was a teenager but because he has mental disorders from trauma, at 65 he still hasn't worked it through his body.
Dear God. If it's going to take that long with me, kill me now. 

Maybe I'm meant to be in the sewer all my life. Something must be keeping me down here.

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All day since waking up, heart pounding, feeling like a hunted animal, pure terror. I am so tired these past weeks. So, so tired.

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If I hadn't been this strong-willed I wouldn't have made it this far. But now it's a huge struggle of the strong-willed ego resisting what is. Jed's two year process of purging often comes to mind, as the fucking walk in the park it is. Yes please, only two years, yes any time thank you very much.
The unsustainable god-awfulness of the past weeks and especially days is impossible to describe.
Just the slightest relief after a healing or a powerful webinar, and after an hour of relatively mild panic the fear dial rushes back to all the way up. There seems to be no end to the fear welling up in (and presumably out of) my body.

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Tapping summit going on, right on (divine) time. Rage, tapping, rage, tapping, new rage, tapping, more rage, tapping, rage rage rage and so on. I'm already sore on the tapping points.
Ruined a painting again, did some tapping for that. Bawling my eyes out. Then rage, then tapping, then crying, then a bit of calm, then rage again. Over and over again, just within one day. Does that mean it's speeding up? Must be.
Haven't been away in weeks. Can't remember when I last went grocery shopping. Haven't gone for walks. Just been at home. So much anger that got stuck in the body but couldn't' be expressed. Might take a while.

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Feel like crying and vomiting at the same time. Sometimes tears come even before the tapping starts. Devastated after just one of today's talks, and there's more to watch and participate in.
Every day I watch everything they got and follow all their tappings.
Lot of things getting.. I'd like to say released, but there's layers and layers of grief, anger and just a profound sadness and loneliness making myself small and invisible due to being unworthy of love. 

Grateful that there's always a door to open to the exact right thing for the moment.

It's my birthday next week.