No more edge, Lord

Ongoing immune system trouble. Sores and pain in my mouth. Bit feverish. I keep postponing calling the doctor. Can find all kinds of reasons for that - healthcare is overwhelmed, the danger of getting infected at the doctor's office - but it's the same reason as always - I don't feel the nudge. Which makes me doubt again, will the universe at least tell me to make an appointment before it's too late? It's only getting worse, not better.

At the same time it seems I am slowly letting go of resentment and the health issues could be caused by all the toxicity leaving my body (but you never know for sure).

So I'm once again not clear enough to write something one way or the other. 

I am losing some of my bitterness and defiance, I just hope I'm not losing my health in the process. Very tired all the time and scared of the implications of this persistent issue.

Ordered an air filter and plants, maybe that helps. 

Hopefully I'm 'allowed' to make a doctor's appointment this week.

Getting used to Divine Mother instead of God. Realizing patterns and influence of patriarchy in my life. For this life it is appropriate to see these influences more clearly and recognize them in myself, then let go. Or maybe the patterns and beliefs rise up to leave this body and that's when I see them. Shine a light on the darkest corners.

Would have been nice to feel better the further I go, but apparently that's not how things work. I'm still human and it's okay to want to feel better. It's been a long and trying road.