Choice

I have been taught to find fault. I have been doing this, with good intentions and a subconscious sense of superiority: "I know better, let me point out for you where you go wrong."
Out of worry, out of a ..twisted love? Is that love? It's not trust. It's not trusting someone with their own life, to find things out on their own, like I prefer myself. They might be in denial, but is someone who is happy to point out their flaws to them really what they need? What has been most beneficial to me?
Someone who made me feel capable, good about myself. Someone who created an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance and support, which brought out the best in me. That's what helped, those are my best memories which still keep me going, the kindness of strangers, not the constant outpouring of criticism and destructive comments of my father, whose behaviour I'm copying. No more. NO MORE.
This stops here, here and now. I may not know who I am but I do know who I do not want to be. This is not what I want anymore.
I want to be someone who's always ready to point out the best in others, to hold a magnifying glass over their qualities, talents, abilities, hearts. I've been practising this on twitter and I LOVE IT. It's closer to my nature. This is who I choose to be. Today. With Your support.
This is a step towards authenticity, since one of my own talents is being able to see other people's qualities even when they temporarily can't. It comes natural to me, it's awesome and humbling. Thank You.

Hi there. Still here.

Anger, hatred even, hurt, disappointment and a touch of bitterness. Old shit groping its way up to the surface. Next shedding-period. Every time I feel this awful I get so scared and fear it will last forever. When I'm in a 'good' period it's hard to imagine how I could ever be so dense again, have my mind as clouded with fear as it is right now.
Spending a lot of time on twitter these days (months), and going for authenticity there as well, so the need to write here was lessened. Don't know how that will work out, will see what happens.
There's been some developments, changes, glimpses. Glimpses of what I'm turning into, and it's amazing (Human Adult: feels wonderful, whole, real, powerful and calm).
As a side-effect I've become more 'sensitive' as in seeing and sensing stuff. In the past this fascinated me to no end but it always felt like a detour to consciously try and develop 'psychic powers'. Now it just comes as a by-product. It's amusing and useful at times, when I'm doing stuff with/for others.
There's been some hard choices, healthy choices.
Lately I'm in a rollercoaster period, ups followed by downs followed by ups within days and weeks. It's intense. I can't not observe anymore, it's always there. I observe my thoughts and let the moment decide what should be done, almost all of the time. It's awesome, it feels so natural, so whole and powerful in a connected way. In that state forgiveness doesn't feel like vulnerability or weakness. It seems like the only reasonable response. Natural.

I am having trouble loving and appreciating everything and everyone exactly as they are, for most of my life I've been taught to find fault and it's deeply ingrained into this 'personality'. But it's in a state of confusion during the rollercoaster trip that I'm writing this, so all could change within days. Overall, forgiveness and gratitude is taking over.
Bitterness and hurt are no match for it. I'm not forcing myself to be a Jesus freak, I don't believe in acting the part to make it real. It needs to come from within, spontaneously, as a result of being. It is natural, so if there's just Being In The Moment, gratitude appears, nothing can be done. Nothing wants to be done.
Okay, later, ***M.