Hi there. Still here.

Anger, hatred even, hurt, disappointment and a touch of bitterness. Old shit groping its way up to the surface. Next shedding-period. Every time I feel this awful I get so scared and fear it will last forever. When I'm in a 'good' period it's hard to imagine how I could ever be so dense again, have my mind as clouded with fear as it is right now.
Spending a lot of time on twitter these days (months), and going for authenticity there as well, so the need to write here was lessened. Don't know how that will work out, will see what happens.
There's been some developments, changes, glimpses. Glimpses of what I'm turning into, and it's amazing (Human Adult: feels wonderful, whole, real, powerful and calm).
As a side-effect I've become more 'sensitive' as in seeing and sensing stuff. In the past this fascinated me to no end but it always felt like a detour to consciously try and develop 'psychic powers'. Now it just comes as a by-product. It's amusing and useful at times, when I'm doing stuff with/for others.
There's been some hard choices, healthy choices.
Lately I'm in a rollercoaster period, ups followed by downs followed by ups within days and weeks. It's intense. I can't not observe anymore, it's always there. I observe my thoughts and let the moment decide what should be done, almost all of the time. It's awesome, it feels so natural, so whole and powerful in a connected way. In that state forgiveness doesn't feel like vulnerability or weakness. It seems like the only reasonable response. Natural.

I am having trouble loving and appreciating everything and everyone exactly as they are, for most of my life I've been taught to find fault and it's deeply ingrained into this 'personality'. But it's in a state of confusion during the rollercoaster trip that I'm writing this, so all could change within days. Overall, forgiveness and gratitude is taking over.
Bitterness and hurt are no match for it. I'm not forcing myself to be a Jesus freak, I don't believe in acting the part to make it real. It needs to come from within, spontaneously, as a result of being. It is natural, so if there's just Being In The Moment, gratitude appears, nothing can be done. Nothing wants to be done.
Okay, later, ***M.