Can I be?

Thank you for finally shutting the hell up. Do you do this often? Comment on someone else's diary? Cos that's what this is you know. Do you like scribbling notes with a red pen, or going on for ages and pages, do you really think I actually read all that shit? If you want to write so bad and be a know it all, start your own blog and leave me the fuck alone. This is my diary, so fuck off.

To the others: thank you for your short comments of support. It is appreciated.

So... boundaries.
Yeah.
So that's an issue. I still have no boundaries, therefore cannot watch them. When I feel like crap, like I have been the past weeks (by which I mean even more than usual because depression seems to be a permanent state now), I turn into a little girl. A frightened little girl that needs permission to be, to breathe, to take up space.
This doesn't work well in relationships as you might guess.
The worse I feel the more confirmation I need: "It's all going to be alright." "I love you no matter what." "Don't worry, I'll be here."
Needless to say, I meet men who can't handle that and retreat into themselves, shut down and don't speak to me until I feel better.
Joy.
This works way better as a mirror for my holes and wounds, but it sucks. It hurts and makes me feel even smaller and more insignificant. Which IS the wound.
No way I can be in a real relationship if this is how it stays.
I must be the one to comfort myself, say: see what you lived through already? You're powerful beyond belief, everything will be alright. Such powerful words. Everything is going to be alright. Somehow, sometime, all will be well and I will be able to say All Is Well.
Now all sucks. Merry Christmas. I'm alone. Fuck you.

Some progress is made though; I am more open about myself online, less afraid to be me, with wounds and all, I said out loud I have been raped (three years ago this week) and posted poems about lots of stuff that happened to me. No reason why I should be ashamed of things done to me. If I am to use them to get 'better' I can't hide.
No secrets, look how that works out; my mother is now creating false memories, that's not where I want to end up.
I must know, in order to deal with things.
I am coming clean about needing help. No more facade of how I'll be fine, I'll survive, somehow I'll manage. Scared to take up space. That's what it comes down to.
Still the same issue as I wrote about years ago, no doubt.
Not deserving. Of life, of help, of love, of happiness, or whatever regular people are entitled to.
I'm still the little girl walking through the snow, watching through people's windows, puzzled at their warm togetherness. Without feelings of injustice because it was the natural order of things.
Of course that wasn't meant for me.

It's hard to try and explain what it's like when both parents make you feel worthless. How impossible it is to build some kind of selfesteem, some kind of peace about being here, about being. Feeling entitled to breathing and taking up space. When all the messages you got when you were young said the same thing; you're a burden, you're not good enough, what have we done to deserve you.

Where, how do you get the feelings of selfworth?
Is surviving an enormous amount of Awful enough? Should I feel good because of certain abilities or talents? I can't.. feel it.
Where do other people get it from? This entitlement, even when they're behaving like shits? Even the cruellest people feel they have a right to exist, to be, to breathe.
What is my right? Can I be here?
What have I done to deserve it? Should I have done anything to deserve it?

Is there no one who can give me the feeling I deserve to live?
Can God please come and sit on my window sill and tell me it's okay that I am? Please? For christmas?

How can I give myself this feeling?
How can I be?

Without this, I will not be able to be with others, with family, with a man, with myself, in the end.

Is it okay that I am?
Can I be?
Can I be for me?
Not in order not to lose a relationship, but in the first place, for me?