big bad thing called Life

Not much to say lately. Only been home since a few weeks after being in several places that were not here (in so many ways). Now trying to sort stuff out before a next move. It's a lot of work, my head being as full as it usually is.
I'm trying to start a ramble here. It's not going well.

Chitchat's not my thing really..

The last step is a bitch.
This trusting, surrendering. I'm not good at it. Obviously.
Sometimes I think I can see how even every sunbeam is in the right place, and every little thing is exactly as it should be.
Sometimes I fear things will go to hell if I don't intervene or get off my ass and do something about it.
Sometimes I stop and listen to my intuition. Most of the time actually. I listen and then do nothing, let things unfold, or I am invited to do something, act, go with the unfolding, let it act through me.
Hard to put into words. I'm used to writing in Dutch now.
Anyway. When it comes down to it I always follow the voice of my intuition. So I don't really get what's so hard about trusting when I'm already doing it in the way I live this life.
Is it like giving up? Does surrender feel like giving up to me? Like someone got the best of me? My eyes are stinging with tears so there must be some truth in that.
It feels like.. they've won. It feels like I haven't fought hard enough. Like I haven't stood up for myself enough. It feels like failure.
Surrendering feels like failure.
Oh boy.
Like there's some great big bad thing that wants the worst for me. And it will seize the opportunity of me surrendering to crush me like a fucking bug. Like a fucking meaningless bug, without any consequence to the world whatsoever.

So.. meaninglessness, does that scare me? Does that stop me, hold me back? The realisation that my life is meaningless (whether it really is or not)?
That all the pain and suffering have been completely pointless? That I might die some stupid fucking death without being some big hero in this lifetime?
So it's not enough for me. I WANT things. So that means, the way things are is not enough for me. So actually I'm saying life is not enough, life as it is is not enough, not good enough, is lacking. Do I know what life is lacking? Do I know how life would improve? How things would be better? And for who? Just for me or for lots of people?
Do I want to be a God? Am I fighting that hard not to have to live my life? "I'm okay with living this life, if I knew for sure that.."
If I knew for sure that surrendering wouldn't be the signal for Life to come crashing down on me and fuck me in the ass, harder than ever. Like Life is the big bad thing that has it in for me. That's what I think, isn't it? That Life has it in for me.
That Life is waiting for a chance to deliver its hardest meanest blow and it's waiting for my most vulnerable moment to do it. Only complete surrender wouldn't be my most vulnerable moment. So that's where I'm wrong, or the mind is wrong, whatever. Surrender WOULD be mind's most vulnerable moment, that much is true.

Let's look at the facts here. a) I am already listening to my intuition in everything I do, every time a decision needs to be made. I'm already listening for clues, looking for patterns, it has grown that way, in the course of the years it has become my way of doing things. Listening to what Life wants me to do next.
b) Complete surrender is extremely hard for me.
Me in this case being my mind. Since I'm already living from another place than the mind.
I'm just sitting here right now. Digesting this information.
I'm going to do a Salute to the Sun now, to stretch my limbs and digest some more.