at home
First I must make a place for myself in myself to be at home at.
All follows from there.
The things that are most important to me are the things I hardly ever write or speak about. Afraid of getting ridiculed by people. No God in my poems, no destiny between the lines, it's all about feelings and images and fear. Some pretty things or thoughts, but not the big ones, not the ones that gave me hope, kept me going over the years. No lifelines in my poems.
It seems to me I should be able to speak about it if the inclination to do so arises. Not in a I will talk about it no matter what and you can't do anything about it way, but just not keeping quiet when I want to say the word God, or mention my destiny. Because yes, I have a destiny, I believe I have a destiny because that's what the universe's signs seem to indicate, seem to have been indicating all my life.
And before. Why not speak up? Only when I feel like it. In a poem or aloud. But not keep quiet, not keep myself invisible in order not to be ridiculed. I have been ridiculed in the past and I survived.
First I must make myself a safe place to be, for me. A soft place to fall. I need to be able to come back to myself when others, read: family, tear me down. I must not do their work for them and beat myself up for not being able to connect in a 'normal' way, like regular people do. My sister knows I am incapable of it, and that I'll be there when she asks.
First, I need to be me, for me. Be my own home.
From there, many things are possible.
First, forgive. Accept, allow, let go, trust, love. Make a home for me, inside me. It is no shame to make me the most important person for me, because no one else will. It's a starting point for.. well, everything. I must be my soft place to fall because there are already too many people who judge me and try to crush my spirit.
I must choose me. Be there for me. Unconditionally.
Others will benefit inevitably, but I need to do this for me first.
All follows from there.
The things that are most important to me are the things I hardly ever write or speak about. Afraid of getting ridiculed by people. No God in my poems, no destiny between the lines, it's all about feelings and images and fear. Some pretty things or thoughts, but not the big ones, not the ones that gave me hope, kept me going over the years. No lifelines in my poems.
It seems to me I should be able to speak about it if the inclination to do so arises. Not in a I will talk about it no matter what and you can't do anything about it way, but just not keeping quiet when I want to say the word God, or mention my destiny. Because yes, I have a destiny, I believe I have a destiny because that's what the universe's signs seem to indicate, seem to have been indicating all my life.
And before. Why not speak up? Only when I feel like it. In a poem or aloud. But not keep quiet, not keep myself invisible in order not to be ridiculed. I have been ridiculed in the past and I survived.
First I must make myself a safe place to be, for me. A soft place to fall. I need to be able to come back to myself when others, read: family, tear me down. I must not do their work for them and beat myself up for not being able to connect in a 'normal' way, like regular people do. My sister knows I am incapable of it, and that I'll be there when she asks.
First, I need to be me, for me. Be my own home.
From there, many things are possible.
First, forgive. Accept, allow, let go, trust, love. Make a home for me, inside me. It is no shame to make me the most important person for me, because no one else will. It's a starting point for.. well, everything. I must be my soft place to fall because there are already too many people who judge me and try to crush my spirit.
I must choose me. Be there for me. Unconditionally.
Others will benefit inevitably, but I need to do this for me first.
posted by M. at 12:39 AM
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