what do I want?

what do I want? what do I really want?
nice food, yummy food. lots of sleep. a painless body. health, a fulfilling job, sex (lots and lots), I want to be drawing again, create beauty, write my book. I want to live, but really, really live. I want to be real. I want to stop thinking. I want to relax into not-thinking and letting the moment speak to me. I want to be able to let things flow naturally, without interfering.
what do I really want? I want to not be afraid anymore. lose the fear. so I can go for long walks again, become the slimmer me, the stronger me.
is there a lot of fear? yes and no. yes? residual fear from the rape and the molestation. what else? to cause pain, suffering. why? it messes me up, the world becomes askew, nothing is calm anymore. you want calm? yes. you want peace? yes, sort of, I want the turmoil to dissipate. I want to stop questioning everything and just be. why don't you? ... I want to know everything. on the one hand it seems quite dull to know it all, have no more questions, it seems like a horrible place to be for an inquisitive mind. on the other hand, all would be at rest. no more gnawing doubts, no more fear (this I like most, I think), and the knowledge that This Is It. This is what it is.