fish
Thoughts tumbling through my head again. or are they? It feels like my head.
I had a weird experience. First walk through the dark in a long time. At night. there were no thoughts. the first half of the walk, there were no thoughts and no fear, without thoughts, there could be no fear. No residual thought constructs from rape and other past experiences. it was weird, felt empty, although felt isn't the right word. it seemed bleak, barren, a bit intimidating, no foothold.
I walked fearless through the dark night and there was only that.
the second half of the walk I felt myself getting heavier and thoughts descended again.
it was so barren. that was all there was. no past, no future, no comparing, no anticipating. creepy odd.
The wave motion is strong this week or these days. So much thinking it gives me headaches, or no thinking. there is more of consciously stopping the worry process because 'everything is taken care of', everything gets done, in its own time.
is this true? my gut says yes. all is a big puzzle and the pieces are flying together. so says my life I guess.
I went to the second-hand store in search of something I thought I needed. it wasn't there but I felt like there was a reason behind my being in that place at that time, so I stayed in order to find out what it was. I made a circle through the store past the furniture, lamps, clothes, to the heart of the store - books - and this is what I saw on a shelf, right in front of me. I was so moved I couldn't move for a minute. Moby-Dick.
hard cover, embossed, huge, Dutch translation of Moby-Dick. which was what I had asked for the day before and then let go. with a Dutch translation I might be able to understand the old English in the original book better. I was impressed. (for less than the cost of a hamburger.) better than anything I could have asked for.
I had a weird experience. First walk through the dark in a long time. At night. there were no thoughts. the first half of the walk, there were no thoughts and no fear, without thoughts, there could be no fear. No residual thought constructs from rape and other past experiences. it was weird, felt empty, although felt isn't the right word. it seemed bleak, barren, a bit intimidating, no foothold.
I walked fearless through the dark night and there was only that.
the second half of the walk I felt myself getting heavier and thoughts descended again.
it was so barren. that was all there was. no past, no future, no comparing, no anticipating. creepy odd.
The wave motion is strong this week or these days. So much thinking it gives me headaches, or no thinking. there is more of consciously stopping the worry process because 'everything is taken care of', everything gets done, in its own time.
is this true? my gut says yes. all is a big puzzle and the pieces are flying together. so says my life I guess.
I went to the second-hand store in search of something I thought I needed. it wasn't there but I felt like there was a reason behind my being in that place at that time, so I stayed in order to find out what it was. I made a circle through the store past the furniture, lamps, clothes, to the heart of the store - books - and this is what I saw on a shelf, right in front of me. I was so moved I couldn't move for a minute. Moby-Dick.
hard cover, embossed, huge, Dutch translation of Moby-Dick. which was what I had asked for the day before and then let go. with a Dutch translation I might be able to understand the old English in the original book better. I was impressed. (for less than the cost of a hamburger.) better than anything I could have asked for.
posted by M. at 1:45 PM
1 Comments:
Hi, I just finished reading the third book in the Enlightenment Trilogy by Jed McKenna and googled Spiritual Autolysis and came across your blog. I just wanted to tell you about a book called "Butterflies are Born Free" that recently came out in electronic format - you can get it on iBooks for free or Kindle for like $2. That book is what led me to the trilogy as the author of it quotes McKenna quite a bit to support his points. Anyways, I was thinking of going back and reading it after I finished the trilogy which I just did and just felt like telling you about it in case you wanted to check it out.
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