neat machine
It got worse, the depression, or the 'working stuff the hell out of my system' thing, whatever. So I thought, let's live-blog it. See what happens. I'm not going to fight it. There will be the inevitable responses like "cheer up!" or "it could have been a lot worse" or "you're not depressed, the little children in Africa are depressed."
People don't want to see another person feel bad. They want them to cheer the hell up, fight, suppress, ignore, or at least have the decency to shut up about being deeply depressed or even suicidal. They don't know what to do, so it makes them feel helpless and bad. Goes for me too, although I am consciously working on it with acquaintances (which is a lot easier than family, in my case).
Since yesterday I've managed once to jump back to the place from where I skipped over a particular thought and thought it out. Made it conscious. This is the first step in the process of changing, reprogramming something. If I can repeat this a few times, the 'groove' will deepen and the action will slowly become the first response in future occasions.
If what I'm saying makes no sense, I can't find the words today.
It's like a broken record, on purpose.
First, intent, or willpower. Then performing the desired (new/feared) action, noticing it and cheering it on, expressing gratitude for the opportunity and its first succes, hereby reinforcing it, giving it the power it needs to be repeated. So, I can expect this to happen a couple of times in the coming days, until the whole skipping over thoughts because they're too scary just evaporates and the new chain of actions is installed.
I don't know anything about computer programming, but this is how it works in human computers/brains, at least in mine. It's an upgrade.
And maybe with this upgrade a lot of old shit gets deleted, or the hard-disk needs to adjust and .. I don't know the correct terms, but it hurts. Tattooed brain map.
When I am accustomed to the new way, the old way has become non-existent, as if it was never there to begin with. In writer-mode, this is hard, because a lot of the totally fucked up ways of being in my past are not there anymore to recall and write down. But, as part of the trust issue, that will probably work itself out as well. It will take care of itself when the time is right.
So what's left now, is feeling bad. Feeling guilty for not being able to text my sister and speak comforting or supportive words even though I have a phone and fingers to write a text with.
This is what I skipped over several times in the past couple of weeks.
I don't want to text her out of fear of getting dragged down, not knowing what to say, feeling the powerlessness and fear and sorrow for my niece and nephew, and being sucked in to do more than I want or am capable of. Saying No to her is not an option, so I avoid talking to her until I get 'it' together. Not knowing when this is going to be, I don't get in touch at all, waiting it out, waiting, fearing contact from her, dreading texts. I don't have a solution for this. The least I can do is make it clear to myself, stop lying about it, which is what skipping over it really is. Lying to myself, not looking at something that's right in front of me, pushing it away so it will not be right in front of me anymore, but somewhere in the periphery. Which in turn might give my memory the message that forgetting stuff is okay, is the most desired action. So it forgets. Damn. It follows instructions and this surprises me? What a neat machine.
People don't want to see another person feel bad. They want them to cheer the hell up, fight, suppress, ignore, or at least have the decency to shut up about being deeply depressed or even suicidal. They don't know what to do, so it makes them feel helpless and bad. Goes for me too, although I am consciously working on it with acquaintances (which is a lot easier than family, in my case).
Since yesterday I've managed once to jump back to the place from where I skipped over a particular thought and thought it out. Made it conscious. This is the first step in the process of changing, reprogramming something. If I can repeat this a few times, the 'groove' will deepen and the action will slowly become the first response in future occasions.
If what I'm saying makes no sense, I can't find the words today.
It's like a broken record, on purpose.
First, intent, or willpower. Then performing the desired (new/feared) action, noticing it and cheering it on, expressing gratitude for the opportunity and its first succes, hereby reinforcing it, giving it the power it needs to be repeated. So, I can expect this to happen a couple of times in the coming days, until the whole skipping over thoughts because they're too scary just evaporates and the new chain of actions is installed.
I don't know anything about computer programming, but this is how it works in human computers/brains, at least in mine. It's an upgrade.
And maybe with this upgrade a lot of old shit gets deleted, or the hard-disk needs to adjust and .. I don't know the correct terms, but it hurts. Tattooed brain map.
When I am accustomed to the new way, the old way has become non-existent, as if it was never there to begin with. In writer-mode, this is hard, because a lot of the totally fucked up ways of being in my past are not there anymore to recall and write down. But, as part of the trust issue, that will probably work itself out as well. It will take care of itself when the time is right.
So what's left now, is feeling bad. Feeling guilty for not being able to text my sister and speak comforting or supportive words even though I have a phone and fingers to write a text with.
This is what I skipped over several times in the past couple of weeks.
I don't want to text her out of fear of getting dragged down, not knowing what to say, feeling the powerlessness and fear and sorrow for my niece and nephew, and being sucked in to do more than I want or am capable of. Saying No to her is not an option, so I avoid talking to her until I get 'it' together. Not knowing when this is going to be, I don't get in touch at all, waiting it out, waiting, fearing contact from her, dreading texts. I don't have a solution for this. The least I can do is make it clear to myself, stop lying about it, which is what skipping over it really is. Lying to myself, not looking at something that's right in front of me, pushing it away so it will not be right in front of me anymore, but somewhere in the periphery. Which in turn might give my memory the message that forgetting stuff is okay, is the most desired action. So it forgets. Damn. It follows instructions and this surprises me? What a neat machine.
posted by M. at 3:19 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home