crash and burn baby

Have to do this, have to do that and now the inevitable crash and recognition: No, I can't do this right now. Postponing to give myself a little breathing room. Working up towards some sort of self-imposed deadline and then very predictably crash in sight of the finish line.
So predictable, yet it happens every time I agree to do something I don't really want, but want just enough to go along with it. (Going by train to be with my sister and her family with Christmas, definitely not my idea.)
Can't seem to stop crying.
Since I've been back on Twitter the news is getting to me again too. Some days more than others and the addiction has become a lot less, so there is progress there, but all this crap... it gets to me. And that's probably exactly the way it should be right now. All part of the plan. It's so hard to see in the midst of pain and fear. Also something that hasn't changed. I always forget the bigger picture when I'm in this state. Always at some point have to remind myself that it isn't forever so there is no reason to panic, this too shall pass etcetera etcetera.
It's okay, all this is people playing their parts very convincingly. You too honey. You're a convincing nervous wreck, bravo. Nailed it right there. You can have a change in costume whenever you want, try to remember that. For now, breath. Forget all those worries that won't help you one bit and breath. Breath.

merry clysmas

I could start every entry with "Going through some severe cleansing period right now". And yes I am again.

My focus is better and so more effective in bringing stuff right to the surface. I am also much clearer on my intention when 'wishing' for a certain outcome. I am becoming more - dare I say it - stable as a person. Osho's awesomeness for me was mostly in this phrase about how it's only possible for a healthy ego to drop. A ripe ego. So my ego is ripening. [insert joke here]

Yesterday a computer-induced bawl fest. Hurt, grief, sobbing, crying my eyes out for a while, and knowing the computer had nothing to do with it and was only the cue giver on stage. It started with rage, of which today I also feel some, which leads me to writing this. Underneath the rage is grief, mourning. So I cried and didn't hold back either.
Bit worried this will carry on into the days with my family, where I'll be going next Tuesday or so. Rage is not a handy emotion/residue to be feeling when with them. So I tell myself to trust the process and remind myself of 'effortlessness' and how that's something I like to have in my life. Then I wonder whether I am reminding myself of that because I want this to be over the sooner the better. Then, usually, the answer is yes so I stop trying to trust the process, and take it as it comes.

Clysma plural is actually clysmata, so there goes that joke, but hell if I care.