merry clysmas

I could start every entry with "Going through some severe cleansing period right now". And yes I am again.

My focus is better and so more effective in bringing stuff right to the surface. I am also much clearer on my intention when 'wishing' for a certain outcome. I am becoming more - dare I say it - stable as a person. Osho's awesomeness for me was mostly in this phrase about how it's only possible for a healthy ego to drop. A ripe ego. So my ego is ripening. [insert joke here]

Yesterday a computer-induced bawl fest. Hurt, grief, sobbing, crying my eyes out for a while, and knowing the computer had nothing to do with it and was only the cue giver on stage. It started with rage, of which today I also feel some, which leads me to writing this. Underneath the rage is grief, mourning. So I cried and didn't hold back either.
Bit worried this will carry on into the days with my family, where I'll be going next Tuesday or so. Rage is not a handy emotion/residue to be feeling when with them. So I tell myself to trust the process and remind myself of 'effortlessness' and how that's something I like to have in my life. Then I wonder whether I am reminding myself of that because I want this to be over the sooner the better. Then, usually, the answer is yes so I stop trying to trust the process, and take it as it comes.

Clysma plural is actually clysmata, so there goes that joke, but hell if I care.