Bender

Depression, continuous pain and stiffness in my back, numbness, then hypersensitivity to minor things, noises. No breaks. Rereading old posts, being reminded 'this too shall pass', then thinking: "that's putting things in the future", then reminding myself not to scold me. Pfff. Haven't smiled in weeks.
When able to remind myself I've been listening more, trying to allow myself to be more pliable instead of rigid, forcing things to change (well trying to). It's my nature, so why not use it. I am the tree that bends but tries to stay upright, big mistake little tree. Just sway.
I am flexible, pliable, I am water that finds its balance after every shock-wave, every disturbance. They never stop though, so I am always in motion, but don't mourn that, it's what you are.
Does this mean I don't need to be afraid of this spiritual and creative constipation? Because it's not an absolute standstill? I seem to want less. More out of lack in energy and will than from progress. Okay, I'm a mess. Can't even write properly. And again, scolding myself. Will this ever stop? One thing that did give me some air was remembering something Jed wrote in I think the first book. Be a complete failure in everything else. Well I sure succeeded there.
Okay, listen, listen, listen. You don't know what to do, so listen.
Keep listening. Keep being hurt by noises, by people, by thoughts and fears, that's what Life wants you to do right now, apparently. Be what is. As it is. A mess? Confusion? Muck and pain? Be that. Just be. Don't fight it. Sinking? Sink.
"Life wants me to be this." Isn't that another belief?
Hear that grumble? Eat some banana-bread.