Tools

This is already testing me in several ways. Twitter that is.
Part of me gets upset about the nationalistic racist tendencies in this country, which fuels feelings of powerlessness. So these are still here, good to be aware of that.
Then there's the aiming to please when it comes to men/attractive men/unavailable men. Men I don't even know in real life. Please approve of me. Please be impressed by me. Please show an interest in me. Now that I'm writing it down it's so very obvious these are the exact things I felt towards my father. Please don't be disappointed with me. Okay. Do I still need approval?
Let's just be aware of what happens. Twitter can be a tool, as can anything else when willing to look (and see).
Also, now that I'm posting this, the tendency to put on a front, the comedian's mask, even though I don't write jokes there's still that armour of "haha, look at me, you can't hurt me, I'm doing that all by myself." Performing instead of genuinely analysing, but that's what an imagined audience does to me, even if no one is reading this. It doesn't matter, I AM getting more capable of being honest to myself. Willing to look deeper into the shadows, cause that's where the interesting things hide. Keep looking, keep noticing, the more you do that, the less you need someone else to notice you.