Notes

Made some notes this morning and while exercising in the gym yesterday. There's a white whale painted on one of the windows by the way, I never mentioned it, but at the time when I saw it, it was a nice nod. 

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My fiction still needs friction,
Although a finer grain
To sand me down.

Approval seeking-related worry all-pervasive, trying to impress/save people, because imagine just being me!
Annoyance and resentment towards loud and obnoxious neighbors, fear of M2's outbursts, of being real in contact with sister & mother.

Overall improving: very cyclic, glimpses close to contentment, love, everyone suddenly greeting me (not everyone), trust, confidence, a few days, then the 2 steps back for yet another adaptation/dissapation cycle.
Very few highs, but higher lows.
And I'm able to move my shoulders more.

I try to just look at the resentment and fear when they arise, sometimes I reason with them, try to be aware, but there doesn't seem much else to do about it but wait it out, this part of the wave.

I want to know Everything. 

I want to know what's true, so I'll know what to let go of. These long intervals are so cloudy and vague, my mind just barely functioning, my house a disgusting tip.

Flowery trappings or necessary aids? Can't tell, so I'm trusting my intuition to guide me.
I use techniques on a daily basis, mainly to help reduce the fear and adrenaline coarsing through me, so my body will be able to relax at some point and my mind gets clearer.
Fear equals fog. Less fear, less fog.

Some exercises I don't know whether they help or are distractions, flowery trappings, fall away by themselves, leading to me first chastizing myself, then realizing that they're probably just not 'for me' and moving on. 

Truth first, truth always first. First truth and then we'll see. Take advantage of the situation you're already in, orchestrated by Existence itself. Get yourself to the truth first, then after that you can find something to do.

What do I want? Really want, apart from the book? Enlightenment/Truth-realization? Or something else?

I need a Lucifer:
"What is it you truly desire?"

Maybe I'll just sit with that question a while, because right now all I'm clear on is getting rid of fear and making sure I don't live another life after this one. This must be my last.
All I know for sure is what I don't want. Is that enough?

10:00 am phone reminder: 
"Life knows better than you what you want and need."

Alrighty then. For now.