"We all float down here," - the less evil clown.

I went floating yesterday, something I've wanted to do ever since I first heard about it. Was a gift from M2 because I'm always helping him, doing groceries when he was sick, babysitting one of the cats for a week which left me with little sleep, et cetera. He passed a giant billboard with an add for "1 hour of floating equals 5 hours of sleep" and thought of me lol. 

75 minutes. That was pretty intense. It wasn't dark like I'd hoped so I felt very aware of my nakedness stretched out in the little cabin.

About an hour in I started to have trouble breathing. First I thought it was due to a lack of fresh air coming in so I opened the little door and a rush of air came in, which helped. But I later suspected that it might be the sitting upright that helped as well.

The muscles in my chest constricting my breath haven't relaxed since I was 10 or 12 years old, and an hour of floating weightlessness may have started loosening those muscles, releasing the tension in them. It was frightening.

I booked another floating session - with one of the maskless employees - this time for 45 minutes. It was definitely not as wonderful as I'd always thought it would be, but it might help un-clench that area of my body, which is critical to Further.

Three appointments of 45 minutes to be used within 2 months. We'll see how far that gets me.

The biggest surprise was that this business has existed for 4 years and is literally a 7 minute bike ride away. I never tried floating before because of the daunting travel involved. Any kind of train and/or bus travel is daunting to me, as in incredibly stressful, and would undo any potential benefit. 

So now I feel worthless of course and am writing this wholly from within the personal perspective. Shit got loose. Terror, dread, blah. The usual. Trying to drink enough water. 

Vengeance is mind

Notes over a period of weeks.

Many physical pains and problems, the integration taking long. Now I understand why; it would probably blow my body's circuits if the process went at a quicker pace. Or something like that. Especially since this is a body as relaxed as a clenched fist. The person's metaphorical clothes are getting too tight fitting. Not fitting comfortably at all anymore. The person cannot hold the whole. The person is tired of doing all the work.

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Somehow shit got even worse. This is no way to live. This isn't life. This is holding your breath until the dread in your gut loosens up *just* enough to give you weeks of debilitating diarrhea while going out of your mind with sickening worry, sorrow and a black hole panic. I don't know how much more this body can take. The stress on my heart. My head.

Don't think I've ever prayed so hard and for such a long time as yesterday. Prayed for help. 

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Nobody knows what I'm doing, what I'm really doing. What I'm really after, what my life's purpose is. And how could they if I myself have been so fog-brained and unclear about much, most of the time?

Re-re-re-reading the Trilogy, it's making lots more sense now. It always felt true, but the picture was still muddy to me. Now it seems so simple. 

With Ahab again. He presents a false face to the world. I haven't been skilled at that except for when I was a kid and my life depended on it. I've never been good at it, be it from trauma/autistic adjacent qualities or from the fact I was just not cut out that way due to a bigger purpose, the only worthwhile purpose. I don't know. The outside world is different from what's going on inside of 'me'. The steadily realizing more and more what a 'me' actually is and isn't. And who I really am. My body is having trouble catching up and the sheer terror and dread that's coming up in waves makes me think I can't do this, but it's the only thing I can do, it's the thing I was made for and it's becoming ever more clear that I was always meant for it. 

It does seem that somehow the Adult part is missing? The transition from Human Child to Human Adult hasn't occurred yet, or so it seems because of the endless undercurrents of dread and panic. Are they side effects clouding Adulthood or am I missing a bus stop? Does it matter? It will go the way it goes and how that is nobody knows. But all in perfect order. 

I was born for this. The whole human interaction thing was participated in out of fear so deep and horrifying I can't even put it into words. I suck at conversations and writing is only a little bit easier.

Something showed up in my path that might help my body relax though, immaculate timing as usual. 

I can't picture my body as relaxed. When was the last time it was relaxed? Probably in water, in a bath, or in the sea. But just somewhat more relaxed than usual which for the average human body is not relaxed at all. We'll see how it goes and I'll report back. It's something I wanted the first time I heard about it, which was like, decades ago.