Vengeance is mind

Notes over a period of weeks.

Many physical pains and problems, the integration taking long. Now I understand why; it would probably blow my body's circuits if the process went at a quicker pace. Or something like that. Especially since this is a body as relaxed as a clenched fist. The person's metaphorical clothes are getting too tight fitting. Not fitting comfortably at all anymore. The person cannot hold the whole. The person is tired of doing all the work.

---- 

Somehow shit got even worse. This is no way to live. This isn't life. This is holding your breath until the dread in your gut loosens up *just* enough to give you weeks of debilitating diarrhea while going out of your mind with sickening worry, sorrow and a black hole panic. I don't know how much more this body can take. The stress on my heart. My head.

Don't think I've ever prayed so hard and for such a long time as yesterday. Prayed for help. 

-----

Nobody knows what I'm doing, what I'm really doing. What I'm really after, what my life's purpose is. And how could they if I myself have been so fog-brained and unclear about much, most of the time?

Re-re-re-reading the Trilogy, it's making lots more sense now. It always felt true, but the picture was still muddy to me. Now it seems so simple. 

With Ahab again. He presents a false face to the world. I haven't been skilled at that except for when I was a kid and my life depended on it. I've never been good at it, be it from trauma/autistic adjacent qualities or from the fact I was just not cut out that way due to a bigger purpose, the only worthwhile purpose. I don't know. The outside world is different from what's going on inside of 'me'. The steadily realizing more and more what a 'me' actually is and isn't. And who I really am. My body is having trouble catching up and the sheer terror and dread that's coming up in waves makes me think I can't do this, but it's the only thing I can do, it's the thing I was made for and it's becoming ever more clear that I was always meant for it. 

It does seem that somehow the Adult part is missing? The transition from Human Child to Human Adult hasn't occurred yet, or so it seems because of the endless undercurrents of dread and panic. Are they side effects clouding Adulthood or am I missing a bus stop? Does it matter? It will go the way it goes and how that is nobody knows. But all in perfect order. 

I was born for this. The whole human interaction thing was participated in out of fear so deep and horrifying I can't even put it into words. I suck at conversations and writing is only a little bit easier.

Something showed up in my path that might help my body relax though, immaculate timing as usual. 

I can't picture my body as relaxed. When was the last time it was relaxed? Probably in water, in a bath, or in the sea. But just somewhat more relaxed than usual which for the average human body is not relaxed at all. We'll see how it goes and I'll report back. It's something I wanted the first time I heard about it, which was like, decades ago.