Merry Christ mass

Jesus fucking Christ, the coronavirus killed Sinterklaas (the dutch origin of Santa). The actor died, who played Saint Nicholas for decades -  on tv in a news show for kids leading up to the saint's birthday on December 5th every year. Had to laugh out loud. Corona killed Sinterklaas. 2020 sure is something.

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Sunday, for a fraction of a second, I experienced what it would feel like to move forward as a whole, loving myself wholly and completely. Right after that I felt horrible, with a terror in my gut for days, which I kept telling "I love you, I love you, I love you." The cycle is happening a bit faster now. 

Relaxation - a tiny bit - followed by a massive release of insane panic and terror. That has all been stored in this body for decades and decades. 

Today, gratitude. Then fear whispering about every little thing I wouldn't be able to cope with - since everything seems to be life and death to the CPTSD ego - and me observing, allowing. 

Recently, most of my days are spent doing 20 minutes of meditation after waking up, a short Qi Gong exercise, the daily energy medicine routine, Divine Mother healings, listening to Mooji meditations (and some others) - reading news, doing a language lesson with a half liter of coffee - and a walk or yoga in the afternoon. Then food and tv. Then some Jed reading and 20 minutes of meditation before sleeping - it helps me sleep. 

Much of my day is about unveiling truth now, about removing what's in the way. I've given up on painting altogether. Truth first. 

Life too wants this to happen here. Returning is the motion of the Tao. No matter what I do or don't do, Life wants this to happen, so it will happen. I am coming home. 

PS my last period was over two months ago, so you could say I'm "going through the change" in more than one way. Seems appropriate.

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"Nobody should be alone this Christmas." Words you'll never hear from me. THANK GOD I am alone. 

My ego-mind has accomplished a great feat; to be overstimulated/ overwhelmed/ experience sensory overload during the corona crisis/lockdown. Bravo, well done. 

Well done for reminding me how absolutely vile it is to live in and from the ego, as if I needed reminding, but still. Sheer panic at the sound of someone walking around next door, or getting a text message. 

Turned off my phone for most of the day and today as well. M2 left for his mother's (it's Second Christmas day here, yes really), so at least I'm relatively 'safe' from invading contact. This will take days. 

But it goes the way it goes. All's on track, probably. 

Since I started meditating at night, while already in bed, and noticed it helped me sleep, my sleep cycle has started to revert back to staying up late because of the wonderful quiet of the night. 

Friday morning at about 1:30am I tossed the cats out the door to go to bed and saw a clear night sky. So I looked up and saw a shooting star. That was some magnificent timing. 

And a shooting star, on Christmas! That was nice, especially since I missed seeing the Great Conjunction due to the weather. 

After sleeping, I participated in a live Christmas morning meditation with Mooji. If I could be with an enlightened presence for a day or two, three, that would be enough, all it would take to snap me out of this muck. 

Or so 'I' think. I don't have any questions, just being in the presence of, but without the other folks there. 

Naturally, when three days wouldn't do it I'd have to get the hell away, immediately. Can't get sucked into a community-like postponing thing. 

At least this sensory overload business has always protected me from grasping at that ego-straw. So while it's extremely frustrating from the personal perspective, it is something to be grateful for (for someone with my kind of 'life-goal'). 

Everything is arranged just so. All the circumstances of my life.

Further further further

Notes over the course of weeks.

Being aware scares the shit out of me.

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Toxic sludge, that's all it is. A vortex of toxic sludge.

Mooji meditations every day.

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This should be like this, that should not be like that, many many likes and dislikes, preferences and annoyances. And ties, hoo-boy, ties that bind. Abuse creates deep attachments to all involved.

Yesterday I cried for my sister with whom I've had such a strong and close connection in several lives and this, my last. And last night I dreamed I lost her, she got lost somewhere. 

But it's better this way, for everyone and the whole world. I can't be of any notable assistance while still so strongly inhabiting the M.-shell.

More time of the day spent being (in) awareness, today. Much Mooji.

A softening in the chest. Some sort of calm resting.

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Yesterday I felt nothing, today I'm crying my eyes out, like actually wailing. Loss, grieving what will never be, ever again. 

Looking at pictures of houses for sale near my sister's, near my mother. Dreaming about having everyone together in a beautiful place of my own, with lots of green, near the water, eating outside, enjoying the view.

All I feel is loss. 

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Trembling, nearly shaking with stress and adrenaline for most of the day. Now cold as if from shock. What a fucking horror show.

Sucked into the personal again, freaked out about several (health) things. Also watched a video for 'daughters of a narcissist father'. 

Heart still pounding like mad. How I'll sleep I don't know. Everything cannot be life and death, it cannot be sustained.

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Keep looking. Notice fear and tension. No need to speculate on where you are in the process. If there is fear and tension, you are not an Adult yet. Just keep going and don't concern yourself with these petty worries, they don't matter, you don't need approval, just go, keep on going. Further further further.