Further further further

Notes over the course of weeks.

Being aware scares the shit out of me.

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Toxic sludge, that's all it is. A vortex of toxic sludge.

Mooji meditations every day.

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This should be like this, that should not be like that, many many likes and dislikes, preferences and annoyances. And ties, hoo-boy, ties that bind. Abuse creates deep attachments to all involved.

Yesterday I cried for my sister with whom I've had such a strong and close connection in several lives and this, my last. And last night I dreamed I lost her, she got lost somewhere. 

But it's better this way, for everyone and the whole world. I can't be of any notable assistance while still so strongly inhabiting the M.-shell.

More time of the day spent being (in) awareness, today. Much Mooji.

A softening in the chest. Some sort of calm resting.

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Yesterday I felt nothing, today I'm crying my eyes out, like actually wailing. Loss, grieving what will never be, ever again. 

Looking at pictures of houses for sale near my sister's, near my mother. Dreaming about having everyone together in a beautiful place of my own, with lots of green, near the water, eating outside, enjoying the view.

All I feel is loss. 

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Trembling, nearly shaking with stress and adrenaline for most of the day. Now cold as if from shock. What a fucking horror show.

Sucked into the personal again, freaked out about several (health) things. Also watched a video for 'daughters of a narcissist father'. 

Heart still pounding like mad. How I'll sleep I don't know. Everything cannot be life and death, it cannot be sustained.

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Keep looking. Notice fear and tension. No need to speculate on where you are in the process. If there is fear and tension, you are not an Adult yet. Just keep going and don't concern yourself with these petty worries, they don't matter, you don't need approval, just go, keep on going. Further further further.