Heartache
Last weekend I had a lot of heartache, it felt like my heart was being torn to pieces. With all the pain I have endured in my life, for me this is one of the worst kinds. It makes me feel so damn vulnerable and powerless that all I can do is suffer, and I don't easily use the word suffer because it's so.. selfpitying.
Afterwards I felt like I had been run over by a truck and felt somewhat embarrassed towards my friend. We were walking through the park and I was constantly sobbing. A couple of newly weds were having their pictures taken on a beautiful autumn leaves strewn lawn, and all I could think was: this will never happen to me.. 'snivel' 'blubber'. My friend pointed out nice views, rabbits, flowers and deer and was feeding me tissues at the same time.
Maybe it was so frustrating because I felt my mental capabilities and general behavior had been reduced to those of a small, desperate child, abandoned by its parents. Here I was, spiritually advanced and everything, whimpering like a helpless little girl. Well, that's life. It's just like that and we have to accept the whole package.
Having a good cry generally cleans out my system better than eating bad eggs. It's part of the one-step-back-system. Something changes, I can feel a shift in consciousness or something settling in my chest and in the following period there is an outflow of waste, stuff I don't need anymore which can be flushed out better when I drink a lot of water, exercise intensively and yes, cry a lot. I'm not going to force myself of course, but when it comes, I let it.
Okay, time for bed, tomorrow my family comes to visit.
***M.
Afterwards I felt like I had been run over by a truck and felt somewhat embarrassed towards my friend. We were walking through the park and I was constantly sobbing. A couple of newly weds were having their pictures taken on a beautiful autumn leaves strewn lawn, and all I could think was: this will never happen to me.. 'snivel' 'blubber'. My friend pointed out nice views, rabbits, flowers and deer and was feeding me tissues at the same time.
Maybe it was so frustrating because I felt my mental capabilities and general behavior had been reduced to those of a small, desperate child, abandoned by its parents. Here I was, spiritually advanced and everything, whimpering like a helpless little girl. Well, that's life. It's just like that and we have to accept the whole package.
Having a good cry generally cleans out my system better than eating bad eggs. It's part of the one-step-back-system. Something changes, I can feel a shift in consciousness or something settling in my chest and in the following period there is an outflow of waste, stuff I don't need anymore which can be flushed out better when I drink a lot of water, exercise intensively and yes, cry a lot. I'm not going to force myself of course, but when it comes, I let it.
Okay, time for bed, tomorrow my family comes to visit.
***M.
posted by M. at 10:12 AM
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