blah and more blah
How easy life sucks me back in. One moment I'm excited about Truth, the next some stupid commercial numbs me back to 'normal'. Up and down and down and down and up. My mind flooding with things I just had to write down but which were gone half an hour later. Is mind the same thing as ego? does it matter? Guess not.
And sure, it's part of the process, one step forward, two steps back, or the other way around. Working through it and all that. Adjusting. And this is part of it too. impatience, then acceptance "this is just how it goes", "what happens is what should happen" and all that blah blah. Tired though. of all the things that need to happen on the way.
on the way? on the way where? is there a road to Truth? I don't know. I think I'm on my road to Truth. Feel sad. There are still things, situations, unfoldings, I prefer over others. There are scenarios I'd rather not experience.
why not? it's all in Life's theme park.
it's because of connections with people. I'd rather not die before the book is written. But this is so strong a desire in me that it must be what Life wants as well, although I am not entirely sure.
I don't think I should be sure about anything.
am I scared? yes and no. no, because it all happens and unfolds like it was intended and this is how it feels most of the time, despite everything that has happened, which is a lot. it had to happen this way. so whatever's next, that should happen as well. yes, because I don't like pain, physical pain, being dependent on others, hurting some, not being able to experience the wonderful things this theme park has to offer. Scared I might die before I get to any of the good stuff.
scared I might die and be in light and everything, which is still part of the story, the stage, the Play. I don't want it anymore. I am crying. this is real. There's loads of storylines, I bet, but I'm so tired of it.
I want Truth, I want what's true, please, no more playing around.
yes, you can drag me back into the story with a juicy storyline, yes I'll be distracted for a while, but what's the difference? the human adult thing seemed nice a year or so ago, and I thought maybe that's where I'm going (like I have anything to say about it), and I'm watching The Bachelorette with one eye right now and even that can draw me in but oh my god show me the curtain.
there's a drawing in a book about alchemy with a man on his hands and knees, crawling to the edge of the snow-globe. inside the snow-globe is the normal landscape, outside the snow-globe is stars and planets and abstract shapes. he is outside the world. that drawing fascinates me, has for a long time, used to be for its colours, or so I thought. anyway, it's a nice picture. I was arranging books and saw it again and this time noticed how he was on his hands and knees. like he's crawling, struggling to get there, with his last strength, he must reach the edge, the end of the world under the snow-globe.
nothing is worth it you know, nothing else is worth it. all the riches and wonders of the world, how could I ever enjoy them when I don't have this? how can I go on without knowing? it's all a distraction.
"Truth exists." I don't feel it. I recognize it but don't feel it. where the fuck is it. where is it. where is truth.
and even at this moment I know that I'll be sucked in again, sucked into the matrix and I'll have forgotten all about these feelings, this fever that was in me today. I'll be fast asleep again because this body is not ready, this ego is not ripe enough. or whatever. just the thought of sinking back into deeper sleep yet again.. ugh! I don't want to. yes, this will be gone by tomorrow, and so will these feelings, but I hate wasting time. I don't want this anymore, this story, these accessories, compassion, love, soap-stories, drama.
how can people live and then work until they die? without questioning anything? how is that possible? I'm not even jealous of them anymore. Ignorance is bliss my ass.
I was a born want-to-know-it-all. this is not going to end until I find Truth. or truth finds me. all else is worthless.
And sure, it's part of the process, one step forward, two steps back, or the other way around. Working through it and all that. Adjusting. And this is part of it too. impatience, then acceptance "this is just how it goes", "what happens is what should happen" and all that blah blah. Tired though. of all the things that need to happen on the way.
on the way? on the way where? is there a road to Truth? I don't know. I think I'm on my road to Truth. Feel sad. There are still things, situations, unfoldings, I prefer over others. There are scenarios I'd rather not experience.
why not? it's all in Life's theme park.
it's because of connections with people. I'd rather not die before the book is written. But this is so strong a desire in me that it must be what Life wants as well, although I am not entirely sure.
I don't think I should be sure about anything.
am I scared? yes and no. no, because it all happens and unfolds like it was intended and this is how it feels most of the time, despite everything that has happened, which is a lot. it had to happen this way. so whatever's next, that should happen as well. yes, because I don't like pain, physical pain, being dependent on others, hurting some, not being able to experience the wonderful things this theme park has to offer. Scared I might die before I get to any of the good stuff.
scared I might die and be in light and everything, which is still part of the story, the stage, the Play. I don't want it anymore. I am crying. this is real. There's loads of storylines, I bet, but I'm so tired of it.
I want Truth, I want what's true, please, no more playing around.
yes, you can drag me back into the story with a juicy storyline, yes I'll be distracted for a while, but what's the difference? the human adult thing seemed nice a year or so ago, and I thought maybe that's where I'm going (like I have anything to say about it), and I'm watching The Bachelorette with one eye right now and even that can draw me in but oh my god show me the curtain.
there's a drawing in a book about alchemy with a man on his hands and knees, crawling to the edge of the snow-globe. inside the snow-globe is the normal landscape, outside the snow-globe is stars and planets and abstract shapes. he is outside the world. that drawing fascinates me, has for a long time, used to be for its colours, or so I thought. anyway, it's a nice picture. I was arranging books and saw it again and this time noticed how he was on his hands and knees. like he's crawling, struggling to get there, with his last strength, he must reach the edge, the end of the world under the snow-globe.
nothing is worth it you know, nothing else is worth it. all the riches and wonders of the world, how could I ever enjoy them when I don't have this? how can I go on without knowing? it's all a distraction.
"Truth exists." I don't feel it. I recognize it but don't feel it. where the fuck is it. where is it. where is truth.
and even at this moment I know that I'll be sucked in again, sucked into the matrix and I'll have forgotten all about these feelings, this fever that was in me today. I'll be fast asleep again because this body is not ready, this ego is not ripe enough. or whatever. just the thought of sinking back into deeper sleep yet again.. ugh! I don't want to. yes, this will be gone by tomorrow, and so will these feelings, but I hate wasting time. I don't want this anymore, this story, these accessories, compassion, love, soap-stories, drama.
how can people live and then work until they die? without questioning anything? how is that possible? I'm not even jealous of them anymore. Ignorance is bliss my ass.
I was a born want-to-know-it-all. this is not going to end until I find Truth. or truth finds me. all else is worthless.
posted by M. at 10:17 PM
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