notes

How's this for weird: on days like these the 'normal' world seems so unreal and dreamlike, but on other days this search seems remote and like another dream.
which it is I guess, but at least then I feel closer to real stuff.
one of the things I wanted to write down today was about nice dreams and bad dreams, and how I felt for decades that I wanted to help people. But what I know from experience is that you definitely want to wake up if your life is a nightmare. so why would you help anyone make their dream more agreeable? why help? the struggle I've been through up until now has been HELL. no point in going through all that shit if you're somewhat okay with where you are. why help someone feel better in the dream so they can dream on?
it's all in the theme park, good and bad, black and white, and everything is part of the play. so nothing is wrong. in theory. it feels differently of course, when you get stuck with a horrible scenario.
well that's enough, it was something I wanted to write down and now I did. it's beside the point anyway. not something to worry about now. first is waking up, then we'll see what happens.