noticing

Grocery break. Great anger while walking to and from the supermarket. One thing out of the way and the next takes its place. Noticing. I did. Didn't have a notebook on me, and now I can't remember what I was thinking and how I got there. So, so tired.
On the way I thought, I hope my mother has the good sense not to invite me for some Easter thing. Came home and saw an email.
So there's the next wave of feeling guilty and 'having to' respond. Is this a thing with me? The pressure I feel/put on myself to respond as soon as possible because otherwise... what? otherwise.. I get shit.
I get wheelbarrows of shit dumped on me. But, am I protecting me from her shit, or am I the one pressuring me and thereby dumping shit on myself? Her behaviour is her problem. Yet I make it my problem. If I can be completely honest with myself, there are no dark corners left to cultivate guilt in. Which she consciously and unconsciously tries to make happen. That's what she does. It's her thing. HER thing. Stop trying to change her. Do you want to sit stewing like this over her behaviour when you're ninety? Break away. What can I do? To break away. Notice. Notice. Notice.
Don't assume there's truth in her behaviour, or in their behaviour just because they are many and you are one. You know. You can know. Keep looking, don't avert your eyes, use that knife of lucidity. Dare to lose your illusions. This feels new and yes, daring. Dare I be without illusions? Illusions are blankets en plasters, numbing drugs.
Yes, I do. Yes, I can do without illusions. Blinding, soothing illusions. I hope noticing is enough. Is it?