Rambling spinster
Catch them while you can!! That's what happens when you don't have any sex or male company for three whole years! Tiny things, a word here, a comment there brings up a storm of feelings. Or wait. Calm down. Breathe. A familiar pattern emerges. Especially with the guys who don't ask how I am, but just sit there entertaining their 'fans' and online friends, saying nice things every now and then, maybe even a little flirtatious. If there is one thing worse than family it's me in the company of men. I immediately lose myself in trying to get their approval (thanks, dad) and the more aloof they behave, the more attracted I am to them, or rather, to the warm feelings this vicious cycle stirs up. I can feel it happening right now. Someone who has me read about him, yet never asks anything about me. And sure I read, cos he's the only one I know who is consciously working on stuff like this. I get it, we're a lot alike and this gives me something to cling to. A face in the endless sea. Is it me I want to be loved by or just the boring old answer again, my father? All distant and disapproving. Am I trying to avoid the current situation by a 'flight of fancy'? Ridiculous how fast this derails me. How fast this COULD derail me, seeing how I am at least working on it now, staying with what's happening.
Ridiculous is judgemental, it's all understandable in context.
I miss it, yes I do. I miss being held, I miss kissing and all that, but I don't miss that real intimacy since I've never experienced it.
Amazing. I read back the messages, nearly nothing worth discussing, and there it goes. 'Swirl.' Chest filled with warmth, a nervous knot in my stomach. It's so pleasurable to let go of reality and drift off into fantasy-land. And nothing will come of it. Even if we'd meet it wouldn't become anything. I like him, but mostly because he's doing the same work as I am doing, as intense. And he keeps people at a distance as much as I do. What am I doing here, taking a safe route by falling for a male version of me? Get real, miss. All you miss is the physical stuff. Touching, embraces, kisses on the nose, whatever. What I need is a human pet, not a partner. My body wants company, my mind doesn't. Falling in love with falling in love, that's what it is. It feels nice, until it doesn't and I'm still where I was when it started. Still, relationships have been the best mirrors to me, even the 'relationship' with the psycho neighbour. It brought shit up faster than anything and I am grateful for that. Wouldn't want to go through something like it again, but still. And no, I don't want to consciously use someone for this purpose. If they step into my path (sounds like a tornado) then they're part of it and I will go with it for as long as is indicated. But I will monitor my actions closely. Retreat! Retreat and allow it to be extinguished. But it is here for a reason. Look at it with interest. Examine.
Lots of rambling, but good. Good that I'm still able to let myself go.
Ridiculous is judgemental, it's all understandable in context.
I miss it, yes I do. I miss being held, I miss kissing and all that, but I don't miss that real intimacy since I've never experienced it.
Amazing. I read back the messages, nearly nothing worth discussing, and there it goes. 'Swirl.' Chest filled with warmth, a nervous knot in my stomach. It's so pleasurable to let go of reality and drift off into fantasy-land. And nothing will come of it. Even if we'd meet it wouldn't become anything. I like him, but mostly because he's doing the same work as I am doing, as intense. And he keeps people at a distance as much as I do. What am I doing here, taking a safe route by falling for a male version of me? Get real, miss. All you miss is the physical stuff. Touching, embraces, kisses on the nose, whatever. What I need is a human pet, not a partner. My body wants company, my mind doesn't. Falling in love with falling in love, that's what it is. It feels nice, until it doesn't and I'm still where I was when it started. Still, relationships have been the best mirrors to me, even the 'relationship' with the psycho neighbour. It brought shit up faster than anything and I am grateful for that. Wouldn't want to go through something like it again, but still. And no, I don't want to consciously use someone for this purpose. If they step into my path (sounds like a tornado) then they're part of it and I will go with it for as long as is indicated. But I will monitor my actions closely. Retreat! Retreat and allow it to be extinguished. But it is here for a reason. Look at it with interest. Examine.
Lots of rambling, but good. Good that I'm still able to let myself go.
posted by M. at 12:31 AM
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