message
Hi,
This might not make it to your email inbox, but I thought I'd write it anyway. I meant it when I said you're the only one I know who works on 'stuff' as consciously as I do. It's comforting in a way, to see a face in this unfamiliar place.
You touch on my issues, as I'm sure I do on yours. Why else would our paths have crossed like this? The triggers I see mirrored back at me are both yours and mine. Wanting to be right and pushing people to see it your way, use your techniques, essentially, do what you tell them to because let's face it, you know best what works for them and anyone. Familiar grounds, these, and it stirs up a lot, I've been feeling it last night and today. Your armour seems pretty dense as well, lots of happy conversations, merrily along the surface, fiercely keeping a distance between yourself and Others. I didn't notice the pain in you because I was too busy running in the opposite direction, even though my road has taught me that everything has its purpose. Cute triggers on the other side of the world included.
I will understand it if you never want to talk to me again after this, and in the way I (try to) see things, anything that will happen will be the best possible thing to happen.
This will trigger things. There is no weakness in owning up to that. There is no weakness in being vulnerable. I have been fooled on this subject for a long time.
Do you read about other people's thoughts as much as you let them read yours? It's a heavy responsibility, always being right and knowledgeable. It's proving to be one of the hardest things for me, to trust in other people's capability to do the right thing for them, on their path, in their lives. I am not all-knowing but I do know best for my life, and for my life only. All I can do is speak from experience.
There was the inclination to ask you to respect my way of doing things. That too was treating the symptom. I need to respect my way of doing things, of working out of my system all of the accumulated crap. Then the need to ask others to respect my way of doing things disappears.
Let me tell you something about the past eight years.
My neighbour who has been kicked out of his house, was a psychopath. He terrorised the neighbourhood and me in particular.
I have lived through hell for seven years, I don't want to go into detail, but in extreme fear I called the emergency number several times and eventually fled the house, slept in five different places until he moved, forced by a court date. It was hell. I sat on the floor crying, wishing I'd die, I went on a holiday to Portugal, to escape the war zone, shaking with nerves and stress and I got raped there.
These, in the story of my life, are just a few minor things.
It's all about boundaries, contact, respecting myself, finding a voice, finding the resounding and true NO. Saying an authentic No paves the way for an authentic Yes.
I'm not just spilling my guts here. it's going somewhere (no really).
This neighbour brought out the worst in me. Everything came to the surface in the shortest time possible. A lifetime of utter crap, all the anger, grief, post traumatic stress, and debilitating fear came up to the surface where I could either deal with it or let it go. It was hell, but it was also the fastest teacher of all.
Now, finding someone who triggers you in some special way, whatever way, who also works on all this stuff, is an awesome opportunity. If both are willing.
It might turn into a fencing match, but that is not my objective.
I am working hard on being honest to myself, painfully honest, since without this willingness to push my nose into my own shit, there can be no progress. In my experience. I can only speak from my experience.
I don't know whether you're willing. It's painful. Truth hurts, as they say, although I don't know who 'they' are. It's painful and scary. But you and me are a safer environment to bring up all our mental games and tricks in than, say, a psychopathic neighbour or a lying partner. This could be extremely fertile ground. I'd point out things I see in myself and in you, as would you. I don't know whether this is something you would consider and I certainly understand it if you say "no thank you". For whatever reason. I will leave it alone. I just wrote this because I was prompted.
Something was indicated and I move with the pattern unfolding.
So whatever you decide, that will be the best possible decision. I just do what my heart tells me to do. Maybe I'll delete this after it's finished, maybe it will have served its purpose. Maybe not.
With love, M.
This might not make it to your email inbox, but I thought I'd write it anyway. I meant it when I said you're the only one I know who works on 'stuff' as consciously as I do. It's comforting in a way, to see a face in this unfamiliar place.
You touch on my issues, as I'm sure I do on yours. Why else would our paths have crossed like this? The triggers I see mirrored back at me are both yours and mine. Wanting to be right and pushing people to see it your way, use your techniques, essentially, do what you tell them to because let's face it, you know best what works for them and anyone. Familiar grounds, these, and it stirs up a lot, I've been feeling it last night and today. Your armour seems pretty dense as well, lots of happy conversations, merrily along the surface, fiercely keeping a distance between yourself and Others. I didn't notice the pain in you because I was too busy running in the opposite direction, even though my road has taught me that everything has its purpose. Cute triggers on the other side of the world included.
I will understand it if you never want to talk to me again after this, and in the way I (try to) see things, anything that will happen will be the best possible thing to happen.
This will trigger things. There is no weakness in owning up to that. There is no weakness in being vulnerable. I have been fooled on this subject for a long time.
Do you read about other people's thoughts as much as you let them read yours? It's a heavy responsibility, always being right and knowledgeable. It's proving to be one of the hardest things for me, to trust in other people's capability to do the right thing for them, on their path, in their lives. I am not all-knowing but I do know best for my life, and for my life only. All I can do is speak from experience.
There was the inclination to ask you to respect my way of doing things. That too was treating the symptom. I need to respect my way of doing things, of working out of my system all of the accumulated crap. Then the need to ask others to respect my way of doing things disappears.
Let me tell you something about the past eight years.
My neighbour who has been kicked out of his house, was a psychopath. He terrorised the neighbourhood and me in particular.
I have lived through hell for seven years, I don't want to go into detail, but in extreme fear I called the emergency number several times and eventually fled the house, slept in five different places until he moved, forced by a court date. It was hell. I sat on the floor crying, wishing I'd die, I went on a holiday to Portugal, to escape the war zone, shaking with nerves and stress and I got raped there.
These, in the story of my life, are just a few minor things.
It's all about boundaries, contact, respecting myself, finding a voice, finding the resounding and true NO. Saying an authentic No paves the way for an authentic Yes.
I'm not just spilling my guts here. it's going somewhere (no really).
This neighbour brought out the worst in me. Everything came to the surface in the shortest time possible. A lifetime of utter crap, all the anger, grief, post traumatic stress, and debilitating fear came up to the surface where I could either deal with it or let it go. It was hell, but it was also the fastest teacher of all.
Now, finding someone who triggers you in some special way, whatever way, who also works on all this stuff, is an awesome opportunity. If both are willing.
It might turn into a fencing match, but that is not my objective.
I am working hard on being honest to myself, painfully honest, since without this willingness to push my nose into my own shit, there can be no progress. In my experience. I can only speak from my experience.
I don't know whether you're willing. It's painful. Truth hurts, as they say, although I don't know who 'they' are. It's painful and scary. But you and me are a safer environment to bring up all our mental games and tricks in than, say, a psychopathic neighbour or a lying partner. This could be extremely fertile ground. I'd point out things I see in myself and in you, as would you. I don't know whether this is something you would consider and I certainly understand it if you say "no thank you". For whatever reason. I will leave it alone. I just wrote this because I was prompted.
Something was indicated and I move with the pattern unfolding.
So whatever you decide, that will be the best possible decision. I just do what my heart tells me to do. Maybe I'll delete this after it's finished, maybe it will have served its purpose. Maybe not.
With love, M.
posted by M. at 4:15 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home