Free Willy

Battle of the fears and pushing myself to make decisions, with the illusion of free will and reminding myself of the design, the mosaic. Whatever I decide to do is what I would have done, is the best and only thing I could have done. It was scheduled like this all along.
It doesn't matter what I decide. This is my 'problem', my issue.
The more I live according to my intuition's voice, the more I live according to the ocean, the more connected, in theory. But since we're all the ocean/God/universe, nothing we do can be not right, not the only thing. Everything is going according to the design. Everything. How else does it all seem to fall into place so smoothly, whatever we/I decide?
The illusion of free will is directly connected to surrender. Me only listening to and acting in accordance with my intuition/heart's voice is in fact an increasing surrendering. All the while fighting and frustrating myself. Listening to my Way, following my Path out of my own volition, while this Path has always been the only possible route for me. How is this free will? How is this surrender when there's only one way? Little sidetrack, how can parallel universes exist when there is only one way to go for me. There can't be an infinity of universes with every single choice I have made when that choice was the only possible one.
I do now see the probability of the Akashic records.
So when do I [insert action/decision]? There is no wrong moment. There is no wrong timing for me. Pushing myself to make a decision before [something] happens is a silly mistake, well not mistake, but a logical consequence of the stuff I've been working on/out of my system. I'm getting scared now of minor things, like new neighbours, even though the previous neighbour was from hell. Sometimes this strikes me as weird. After having survived so much. Fearing the relatively small stuff. Avoiding the big stuff (my sister and her pain and her kids and their pain).
These things crush my mind. Until I realise the only thing I have vowed to do is follow my intuition and it's impossible to not do this, it's the basis of my life and its relative meaning. So, because of the small fearful voice I should now suddenly abandon this and make a decision which would then show to be disastrous? And yet, the only possible decision naturally, since the path is fixed and whichever decision I make would be the only one possible and perfect within the design. *sigh*
Whatever I do is the perfect thing to do.
I fear the outcome.
I must rush the decision.
Small stuff makes me sweat.
I've become sensitive to minor things.
This must all be perfect then.
The free will to follow the only path available.
This is crunching away in my mind, my body. Also, I am just a tiny part of this really Big Thing, this ocean which moves in and of itself and there is no other way us waves could move, we can hardly move in separate directions, now can we? Goddammit. Even if we don't go with the flow, we go with the flow; how we flow is the only way for us to flow, since we flow in and with the ocean. Goddammit.
There is no free will for each separate wave! Also, there are no separate waves.
There is only one will and this is happening. This is what's happening, this one will in action, unfolding. It can't be any other way.
I'm just grateful these things don't pop into my mind when it's time to decide what to eat.